It’s official.

I’m a basket case.

I can’t stop crying. My husband thinks I need serious help. He’s tired of seeing me like this.

What threw me over the edge yesterday?

I finally spoke seriously to my BFF, K yesterday, twice. I know, shocker.

I told her I need her to call me back when I call her. Because most of the time I’m calling more than once because I really need to talk to her. She promised she’d do it.

Then she proceeded to spill more of her guts.

Now, a little background. As you mostly know. I have one child. I am satisfied with one child. However, I’m scared because I feel like I should be having another child. But I can’t. I feel like I should WANT another child. But I don’t. I do feel abnormal for thinking this way. I would love to be content and satisfied enough with mself to be able to give my family one more child. But I’m not. And I know I won’t ever be. I’m getting old. I’ll be 36 next week. I will not be having another infant screaming in this house. Especially when Fa is getting more independent and well, easier. I mean really, I fucking love my sleep. I’m selfish. I know.

Adding to that, I had serious PPD with Fa and I am gun shy. To the point that I won’t even talk about it anymore. I fear for my mental stability if I had another one. And it’s on thin ice as it is people. I have no patience for the one I have most of the time and I truly think that more than one is too much. For me.

My husband hates that about me. I feel guilty. I feel different. I feel alone in this thought.

K was the only other person in the world I connected with on this topic. We were both in strong agreement that one was enough and one was fulfilling and all that other crap. Even other women I have spoken with who swore left and right that they were done with one, are moving on to two even three kids.

You see where I’m going with this, no?

K is pregnant. With number two. She’s so happy I could spit.

She’s once again left me alone. It’s official. I am the ONLY woman in creation who doesn’t want more kids. Who can’t have more kids, not because my body won’t handle it, but because my head won’t handle it.

I am a freak.

What woman on this earth doesn’t want to have a child to love and hold and nourish? What woman who has gone through the joys of pregnancy and childbirth and holding that little bundle for the first time, is so petrified that she vows NEVER to do that again?

That’s right.

Me.

I mean, there are women right now suffering emotional loss because they can’t even have one, or have a second because their bodies won’t let them. And I feel so deeply for their loss.

I need to seriously fix this head of mine, but I’m fearing more than ever that by the time I get balanced, it’ll be too late. My kid will be grown up, probably pissed at me for my crappy decisions in life that affected her terribly, my husband will have gotten sick of the drama and once again, I’ll be left alone.

I can’t help feeling so fucking alone.

Please, Please, Please…Let me get what I want….this time.

As I’ve said before The Litigator’s school is a CoOp. Which means basically, for a fucking redonkulous smaller fee, you get amazing preschool but it is run by the squeakiest wheels in the neighborhood the parents .

I am not a loudmouth unless I feel strongly about something. So, most of the time here in “WonderLandSchool”, I don’t complain. I know what these teacher’s go through with these assmuch parents on a daily basis…I’ve been there, I’ve done that. So, I don’t wanna add to the annoyance.

However.

I am starting to see, this isn’t working for me here.

I have already:

• been ignored for being chosen to assist during the Thanksgiving luncheon (today, we are NOT going)
• not been included as a part of the ‘class Parent’s clique’ (Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy about that but I don’t get what I want)
• not received recognition for the volunteer work I do there (which isn’t the case, but when I see notes upon notes thanking the assmunches who actually munch ass…that gets me)
• been ignored to chair a stupid committee that I Fricken. Volunteer. For
• AND big AND, I was already cast aside for first preference for next year. I wanted AM classed and I got PM classes….I was THE FIRST one to hand in my application. I know it because I had to MAKE THE BOX THAT HELD ALL THE REST OF THE APPLICATIONS!!!!!

They did a lottery to choose who gets AM or PM classes. I wasn’t picked for AM.

Listen, I was a teacher who fudged her own lotteries to get the parents I wanted on trips and parties and crap and ignore the weirdos plenty of times…I admit it…I know what goes on behind closed lottery doors.

What really pisses me off?

I see the same assmunches with their noses in the air in the same classes that THEY want, for two years in a row already, now going on three, while people who don’t complain are ignored. And one of the parents (who I actually like) in The Litigator’s class complained about the Thanksgiving Luncheon. Guess who got picked to go?

I think I have to start complaining.

I figured volunteering would put me in the good graces with the director. Nope. Not enough assmuching for her taste. I need to literally lick her asshole and light candles to get noticed.

I’m not sure I can bend that low.

I think I’ll stick to the PM class and get the hell outta Dodge the next year when The Litigator is in kindergarten.

Damn December Birthday, she misses Kindergarten by a whole year due to my piss poor birth planning. 19 days. 19 days, she misses the cut off by 19 days.

I’d be outta there and a whole helluva lot richer in September.

Joe Dick

Yeah. So, how come it’s always this person in front of me in the drive-thru-of-nothing-in-particular that always causes delays?It was THIS person who cut me off to get into the drive-thru-of-nothing-in-particular only to take HER sweet-ass time to order 17 gazillion coffees and 12 quadrillion muffins and 56 thousand-bajillion ‘munchkins’…then….then…She proceeded to have the server from the drive-thru-of-nothing-in-particular literally CLIMB OUT of the window to place all of her purchases into her HUMMER because she just couldn’t go INTO the store to order this ton of crap for herself….she wouldn’t dare make someone else’s life a little easier….Oh NO! Why would she let the patrons of the drive-thru-of-nothing-in-particular get fast, convenient service when she’s all out to order the entire store?…

In her gas guzzling, ozone-killing machine.

Then, How come this same dickhead cuts me off after we pull out of said drive-thru-of-nothing-in-particular only to stop short for nothing at all…No light, no pedestrian…no ailing puppy…nothing.

Of course her license plate reads:

(JOECOOLI) (Is that coolie?)

“You Dick.”

Update on the dog

He’s got a skin rash/allergy.

We got our couches cleaned a few weeks ago and I think the chemicals they used effected him and his sensitive skin…He has little red bumps all over his body, neck to tail. He’s literally jumping out of his skin.

He bit Fa today because she went to go pet his back. That was the last straw.

We took him to the vet.

He’s on an antihistamine and antibiotic. 3x a day.

I fucking love having a dog.

Let’s do this mathematically, in 15 months I have spent:

$1500.00 for initial purchase of the dog on July 9, 2006
$15.00 Pet Tracking System Yearly fee
$80.00 Initial pet visit 7/31 2006
$166.70 First round vaccines/antibitotics for Giardia/Vet Visit 8/7/06
$200.00 Second round vaccines/Giardia Vaccine/Vet Visit 9/11/06
$500.00 for three months of last option Giardia regiment/New Vet Visit 10/2/06
$300.00 Vaccines and vomiting and diarrhea treatment 12/15/07
$330.00 Vet Follow up after Giardia Treatment/Vaccines 1/2/07
$270.00 Vet visit on 4/17 (1st full yearly vaccines and check up)
$670.00 Emergency ass drainage 7/22/07
$174.00 Vacation Boarding 9/4/07
$215.00 Allergy visit and meds 10/22/07
$65.00 every three months for flea and tick and heartworm meds

Go ahead…add it up…I just can’t find it in me to actually do the calculations…I may vomit.

Don’t Call Me Daughter

Nothing like getting it all out there right away…

But this is one of the reasons I switched locations…

As most of you know, I lost my Mom when I was 17. I am forever damaged by the loss. I will never be a whole person no matter how hard I try because my life was changed forever the day she left me.

I have found ways to cope with the grief. Although difficult and painful, I deal.

I have found ways to vent and talk to her when I need her most and I truly have learned that even in death she is still with me every day.

But I can not get over one thing in particular no matter how hard I try. And try. And try.

Dad.

More specifically, how his new relationship happened so quickly after my Mom’s death.

It couldn’t have been a month after she died and I get a phone call from my Dad’s “New Friend” and she went on and on about how excited she was to meet me.

You don’t let a ‘new friend’ call your daughter that soon after her mom dies…You just. Don’t.

And all I could think of was *gag*. (I was 17)

He’s been with her ever since. It’s going on 19 years.

Ironically, or not…The same amount of years my Mom has been gone.

She is now his family. And they dominate him more than I ever could. And I hate it.

He is all I have left and they have taken him over like some sort of swarm. Leaving me in the dust to fend for myself. Again.

I was very angry with him for years after that first phone call. I hated meeting her. I hated that he forced her on me and I hated them both. I hated the idea of their relationship and still to this day, I feel in my gut he was with her long before my mother died.

Mom told me he was cheating on her when she was going through chemo and radiation. I denied it for him. But she knew. So did I.

And yes, I have told him all of this.

When Mom died, Dad confessed that he wasn’t very nice to her and he made terrible mistakes while she was still alive and very ill. I comforted him in his bedroom telling him she knew he truly loved her…but it felt wrong…all the while, this “friend” was probably waiting for him to call.

I was sensitive to his greif and knew he was suffering but really, I wished it was him gone instead of Mom. Honestly, I wished it was me gone instead of Mom. I tried to be ‘gone’ and it didn’t work. I just wanted to end it all. I truly did. I had no reason to keep going.

But I did keep going. Years and years of hate and anger geared towards my father and his friend. Years and years of Why her? and Why not him? Years of therapy and meds and greif.

I hated him for years. I was angry and delicate and a motherless daughter, and all he was concerned about was…”Why don’t you like ‘her’?”

Then came the Pro, then years after came Farfallina.

When Fa was born, I wanted Dad in her life as much as possible. You grow when a child is born, and you are willing to bury all your unresolved shit for the sake of the kid. And you are willing to see your father as human. A human who makes mistakes and feels guilt and as his unconditional daughter you ignore it and bury it deep.

I unwillingly accepted her as “grandma” even though deep in my heart it felt fake and I knew it wasn’t true. And I resolved to teach Fa all about her real grandmother when the time was right.

But it was painfully obvious that Fa was not her real grandchild. For when the real grandchildren needed her…grandma was long gone to be with them. Even if I was promised her time first.

To this day it remains that way. I am second fiddle. So is Farfallina. And it pisses me off. Not because I want to be her daughter. I don’t…But because if you ’say’ I’m just like your daughter, and constantly repeat that mantra, I think you should believe it yourself.

And recently, it was no different.

My Dad walked “their” daughter down the aisle and danced with “their” daughter to a very special song and it all felt wrong. And hurtful. “Their” daughter took My Dad and claimed him as her own. And didn’t even ask if I was okay with it. Or for that matter, didn’t even say “Fuck you, I’m borrowing him!”

I am heartbroken by the loss. Again.

I was shocked to discover his significant presence in their family. I didn’t notice how much of their lives have melded into his and how much he was a part of them and I wasn’t…I wasn’t even acknowledged as HIS daughter by this so-called grandma…I was “the live in boyfriend’s daughter”. But he was her daughter’s father. Disgusting.

So, I am angry. And hurting. Not even at them. But at Dad. They see Dad as theirs. And I don’t blame them. He’s a wonderful and charming man and funny and handsome and sensitive and everyone wants him as their dad. It’s always been that way.

But I do blame him. For letting them forget me so easily. For letting me slip through the cracks as his real daughter and for letting himself forget me even if it was just for that one evening.

How dare he?

Forget is only daughter.

My heart has been crying for weeks.

And this is why I’m trying to Gain some Balance in this new arena.

Someone has to look out for me.

Mom always used to say, “Take care of yourself, no one else will.”