"If you choose not to decide, you still have made a choice"…July 12, 2007
Don’t get me wrong. I know it sounds like Dad is totally abandoning me and acting like kind of a douche in that last post.
That’s not the case.
I know if I truly needed him, he’d be there for me. In an instant. I’d like to believe that that is the case no matter what. I do. He’s my dad and I love him with all my heart and he has done me more good than bad…but it is always the bad that burns so… well, badly.
But he can be very selfish, he has been very selfish and I believe that he can not be alone, so he stayed with the ‘other woman’ for fear of flying solo. One thing he’ll never admit.
I pity him for that. I really do. I wish he was strong enough to take care of himself. He’d find it freeing. I think the problem is that he has little self-esteem and is quite insecure for such an older gentle man. Another thing he’ll never admit.
I made the choice to stay far away from him and her at the time. I made the conscious decision years ago not to get involved in their family because they were not my family. They never could be. And I was pissed then.
Ironically enough, I did get close with one of her daughters but she always seemed separate from her. We hung out a lot but her life with her mother was different. We drank together and sometimes got high together and hung out with boys together and it was fun to see each other during some of the holidays because we’d escape later on and be bad together. That was pretty much it.
She’s a mom now and I see her differently, more like her mom, and I’m not all that crazy about that either.
I don’t have a whole lot of family. Theirs is huge. I don’t need them regardless of the size of my family unit and they certainly don’t need me.
I never wanted them. And I never needed them to need me. I just wanted to be left alone.
I didn’t even want to be involved in the recent wedding. I didn’t want to do the reading, (but I did to keep dad happy) and I surely didn’t want to be in the wedding party. (I wasn’t asked anyway) I just wanted them to acknowledge the fact that he wasn’t her father, he’s mine. Then, I wanted to be left alone.
Unless of course he actually is her father…don’t doubt I didn’t do the math…
I think it was extremely tacky that he was conveniently her father for the wording on the ‘save the dates’, the invitation and the wedding program, at the bridal shower, the walk down the aisle, the father-daughter dance…but I was the ‘live in boyfriend’s daughter’ during all of that.
It makes no sense.
But dad likes to keep quiet at all costs. He’s not a fighter. (Even though I remember him giving my mom a few fights back in the day) He’s a lover. (One of those maddening traits to have. It always seems like it’s the opposite of what you need at the time) And he wants everyone to be happy. And I truly don’t think he thought hard enough to see that all of this just may bother me a little.
After all, nothing bothers me. They all know that. “JJ won’t mind.” “Don’t worry, JJ doesn’t get offended.”
He was wrong. It hurt. Bad.
And I also think he’s severely guilty. Guilty for all he allegedly has done and guilty for forcing her on me. Yet, another thing he’ll never admit.
I love my dad. To pieces. I would die if he wasn’t in my life. We laugh, have fun, get serious. We do look out for each other. But it took a LONG time for me to see that he wasn’t the enemy. When Mom died, everyone was the enemy. I just started realizing how important he is to me and I guess maybe it might be too late. He’s moved on while I just caught up. He’ll never admit that either.
So I have to accept the fact that they are his family. And I think he likes it. He is still mine, but maybe not so much as I would like it to be. And that may be because I made a selfish choice back then and I am finally seeing how choices, especially selfish ones can effect you, years later.
I’ll always love my dad but I had an awakening these past few weeks. He’s got his own life. I’m not it. Nor, do I think I really should be. I did once think that. But I think I may have been wrong.
He took care of me financially, sometimes emotionally…but not when it came to the greif I lived with, and that is it. When I moved out, he let go. And he may have been relieved. Doubt he’d admit that too.
And I can’t blame him. I have to accept him for who he is if I want him in my life. I just have to live with that. And I hope that helps me find happiness in that part of my life.
I’m learning to “Face the Fire” by accepting certain things that happened in the past and learning how to appropriately deal with my greif and anger…something I have never done…even with all the years of therapy behind me.
Did I clear things up?
Did I make things more hazy?