Girl parts gone bad…

August 8, 2007

Sheesh. You turn 35 and all hell breaks loose on the girl bits.

After 3 extra mammographies and a sonogram, I seem to have this ‘thing’ hidden there in the back that they are “keeping an eye on” because it doesn’t seem to go away with all the poking and prodding.

You see, when you have a mammogram and you are cystic, like me, they twist and turn (and flatten) your tootie ta ta’s and keep snapping pictures until all the spots dissipate. When it’s fleshy-cystic “meat” they disappear with good technique. This one spot doesn’t wanna go away…No matter how hard the smoosh.

It’s up to my OB/GYN to decide whether I go back in 6 months or a year for another check up. His nurse claims he’ll have me go back in 6 months and/or see a breast surgeon. Fun times people.

But he knows my history and will be erring on the side of strict caution and I am seriously grateful for that.

On a good note, I made the technicians laugh a lot. That was cool. I had this gigantic tent for a robe. (It was the only one in the changing area) and I literally swam in it. It was obviously made for the well endowed women. But I told them it was my superhero cape and they all came in to see it. I refused to change into a smaller one.

Then, I asked the technicians (both the mammogram tech and the sonogram tech) what they do with women with the gargantuan titties. They giggled and said they never thought patients thought of those things. We do. Apparently, so do they.

Turns out they need to do the procedures with two hands and a lot of manipulating…of the big ‘ole boob. We giggled s’more.

They commented on how silly I was and how funny and all but really if I didn’t laugh, I’d be hysterical crying. I spent a good three hours getting felt up yesterday by all different types.

I know every thing’s alright. It’s just that static moment in between the tests that you think…’This could be it. They found something and my life can be changing right here, right now.’

I’m a wreck all day.

Then, I come home to a message from my OB/GYN’s office to say that I have an endometrial polyp that needs to be removed. Whee…Good times. I tell ya. That should be a load of kick ass fun. I can’t wait to get all felt up down there too. By instruments. And I don’t think they even vibrate.

What the hell happened to me?

I used to be thin and cute and healthy. Now I’m stiff and jiggly and losing my girl bits slowly but surely.

And I’ve only been 35 for a little less than 6 months…

Oh! and this is fun too…I also went to the dermatologist the other day….Got a prescription for a skin issue…I tell ya people. I am turning into a real pile of dusty old crap.

Can ya read it?

Can’t see it?
Here, let me get it bigger for you…g’won. Click it.

Am I the only one who finds this funny? Damn it all to hell.

And for those who want to giggle s’more:

(“Histroy of the World”..Fast Forward to 2:09)



  1. Your dr. appointment sounded crappy as hell. I don’t like being felt up on the rare occassion I allow the huz to do so, let alone for 3 hours by strangers.

    I’m thinking of you.

    And your butt cream did make me giggle.

  2. Oh hun. I’m sorry for all of this stress and manipulation. Keep laughing, I always say.

    Oh, a BULLSHIT artist! (One of my favorite movies ever)

    And if it makes you feel any better, I’m one of the girls with the BIG boobages, and it aint fun to get all felt up as a big girl, either. MY TITS ARE FALLING OFF! (I do a fabulous Madeline Kahn imitation!)

    I hate getting older. Falling apart. Leaving parts of me along the side of the road as I go. I guess you and me have to go clothes shopping, so we can hide our ogre-ishness. And then we’ll have some WINE!

    Let me know if I can do anything for you. And I’ll surely keep you on my list of people to send good healthy vibes to.

    I HEART you. xoxo

  3. Silver lining? At least they found something to *keep an eye on*…same with the polyp…it could have gone undetected. I know that doesn’t make up for having to deal with it all, but maybe thinking a little positively will ease your mind a bit.

    I’m thinking of you!

  4. You are so so awesome to be laughing.

    I think it is good to be proactive about everything.

    Getting older really does suck. I am just now trying to be healthy, my 20’s I was hard on my body. I am thinking i am going ot have to pay for that now.


  5. I swear to ya JJ, sometimes laughter is the ONLY thing that keeps us on this side of sanity. Keep laughing.

    The butt cream…now that’s funny.

    Big boobie manipulation…funny funny.

    I’m thinking of you and will sending laughing vibes your way. After all, it’s the best medicine, right?

  6. Yuck to the boob squishing! I have little ones, enhanced at the minute since I’m still nursing. I’m also 35 and I hate to think what they’ll be like when I stop breastfeeding – disappear altogether most likely.

    And what’s with the darn dermatologist? I was there last week also, have cream for my wedding ring finger since it’s decided to react to my rings! – and had a mole whipped off – LOVERLY! I didn’t think about it being due to getting older, I guess it is – and that sucks 😦

  7. Ha ha ha, big boobie manipulating. Ha ha, oh wait. That’s me. A two hander for the tech. I have heard though, that it hurts less for the well endowed, so there is that.

    What scares me is that you put the same cream on your face and your buttocks. Hmmmmmmm.

  8. Well at least you’re doing something positive about it! I’m ready to roll into my coffin and give up.

  9. Well the word titties is just funny! I’m so glad you were able to provide comic relief for yourself and others. I know it had to help.
    If it helps any, they did something very similar to me when I had my mammo a few months back. The saw something and had me do 3 more mammos and the ultrasound. Luckily it disappeared.
    But I can absolutely emphathize !
    Here’s to hoping your titties turn out fine!

  10. Wow I am not looking forward to mamograms at all and I got TIG OL’ BITTIES! eeeeek! I’ll be sure to post my experience. I just went to the SUZY doctor for the annual after having Miles that I was about 6mos late for!

  11. Seems to me that if you’re going to spend three hours getting felt up someone ought to slip you $50…

    I needed the laugh today so thanks! I’m going to go add History of the World to netflix list – I can’t believe I haven’t seen it since I LOVE Blazing Saddles.

  12. Ugh on the mammo – I hate those damn things!!!

    LOL what the hell, butt cream?

  13. OMG that perscription was so funny I horked coffee all over my computer. hehehehe

    I know what you mean about the girlie bits falling apart, I just wish mine would have waited longer.

    I had all the lower region fall apart, explode, need removal when I was 22. For a good two years, I think about 50 people were in that area down there. ahhhhhhhh

    Then about 3 years after my son, I got the lovely fiber cysts in the boobies, like my mom had. So….I have a good half dozen lumps in each boobie.

    So….I am so feeling your pain girlie. And yes we do have to sit and laugh about it. Isn’t gonna change it either way so why not make fun of ourselves. hehehehe

  14. Sorry about the boob squishin’

    I love your sense of humor; sometimes that’s the only thing that’ll get us through cruddy times.

    Hang in there!

  15. hang in there honey…it just doesn’t seem fair does it when our body starts to turn against us…it seems like ever since the diabetes came last year all I ever have to deal with is one thing after another…but I am grateful because I know it could be worse. I will be praying for you and sending good thoughts your way.

  16. Sorry to hear about the troubles you’re having. I am glad that you are taking all the proper steps to get and stay healthy, though. I will definitely continue to keep you in my thoughts 🙂

  17. FINALLY I was able to open your blog w/o it taking 5 minutes!!

    That prescription is hysterical..

    and … why can’t you go back in 3 months???????

    Girl.. you think 35 is bad… just wait until 45!!
    Actually.. I noticed “things” when I was 37… it’s not fun….

    Oh well.. JOIN THE PARTY GIRL!

    I will keep you in my prayers girl…
    all of this stuff is so scary…

    I’m going to email you when I can get back to my den.


    Love you!

  18. I am keeping your boobs and your endometrial polyp in my thoughts.

    I am trying to get whatever the problem is on your ass out my thoughts. 🙂

    Seriously – good boobie vibes to you in NY.

    And what is this “Official New York State Prescription”?? Have never heard of such a thing.

  19. just found your blog and your post hit a few notes with me. i too use to be skinny without trying and all feel ing young. i swear 35 was when it started going downhill….turning 40 next year and i swear i better get to the gym or i am in big trouble. i hope all goes ok.

  20. …and i thought I was queen mammogram.

    better to have your tit flattened like a nasty crepe and pronounced safe than any alterantive.

    a close eye is good. good luck hon. I do truly know how you feel

  21. I’ve got fibrocystic breast disease too.

    your post…um…really makes me look forward to mammograms some day.

    I agree that laughter is the best medicine…so I’m glad you had that.

    I’d definitely go back in 6 months rather than a year. Sure, everythign may be normal…but I’d rather know in 6 months than a year!

  22. thanks a ton for the potty advice, it helps ….sooo many folks have said, when they are ready !!! nice meeting you to, i am adding you to my roll

  23. Hey, better to find things like this early. Just remember that.

    Well done keeping the techs and all laughing, too.

  24. largest made me laugh

    but the rest of the stuff did borrow some worrying for you

  25. I am not laughing. I’m 35 and there as well! And what the hell??? We are way to young for this crap. Although, nothing has been quite as lovely at the hemmoroidal issue during pregnancy. I had consults and creams that I never want to speak of again!

  26. Hopefully it turns out to be nothing.

    BTW, thanks for adding me in facebook and myspace!

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