Not enough.August 24, 2007
“I didn’t want this life.” She heard whispered from the kitchen.
She quickly pulled the covers over her head trying not to breathe, trying not to hear these truths hissed from her father’s mouth. Under the heat of the covers, she waited. And listened harder.
“I feel trapped.” Hushed the same voice down the hallway darkened by sleep.
What does that mean? She wondered as only a teenager could see just for today. Trapped? By what? By us? That’s impossible. He comes and goes as he pleases.
She listened intently in the darkness.
“What do you want me to do?” Her mother’s exasperation sent chills down her spine. “This is your life!” She hissed back at him probably fighting back tears. “If you want to leave, go then.” The sobs started quickly after that. She never heard her mother cry over him before. Through the thick tears of betrayal, her mother stammered, “We’d rather not have you here at all then have you here miserable. Just go!”
Silence suddenly fell throughout the house. The return of midnight quietness, the usual quiet felt in that house.
They must have remained seated at that kitchen table for hours. Who knows how long they were there arguing before she overheard that thread of conversation? She awoke at dawn for school, they were still there. Silent. Her mother reading the newspaper and her father staring straight ahead. In silence, as usual.
He never left after that night. But it finally all made sense. The dynamic of their relationship was strained to say the least. For how long before that? Not sure.
But she understands now, why she truly feels like she’s not good enough.