So, I left!September 20, 2007
And I sat in the car and cried.
Called The Pro.
Went for a cappuccino at a really great coffee bar in the neighborhood and tried to read A Thousand Splendid Suns. So NOT the book to read these days.
Cried some more.
Do you realize, this is the very first time I have ever sat in a public place alone and drank coffee and read something? Alone. And I didn’t care if anyone thought I was alone.
I cried most of the time.
I returned to the school a half hour early and waited in an empty classroom…with say, a dozen mothers who STAYED the whole time…crap.
But I realized something. It’s all coming back to me now.
And that awful feeling of “alone”.
I remember many times when Fa was days, weeks old. My in-laws would come to help me out. Thinking they were being helpful, they would literally shoo me out of the house and take care of the baby for as long as I wanted to be gone.
No time limits. No kisses goodbye, just go.
Sounds like heaven to a mother with sleep deprivation and a need for caffeine and a short escape?
Not for me.
All I thought about was how alone in the world I was. How I missed my mother terribly. How no one in the entire world understood.
Where should I go since they kicked me out of my own home?
I stayed down the block in the car, all alone with nowhere to be and my boobs aching because I was a failure at breastfeeding. Crying inconsolably.
This happened at least once a week for the first few months of Fa’s life.
I never want to do that again.
Well, those feelings are back. All except the achy boobs. Well, no, they ache too…but its PMS not breastfeeding failures.
Obviously, I don’t have PPD anymore, but that feeling is creeping its ugly head up into my conscious again.
Strength is depleting. Anxieties are taking over.
I’m feeling melancholy and anxious.
I have to do this every day until June. Give or take some holidays.
I’m not feeling very confident in myself this week.
I need to regroup.
This is for Fa. And me. She will not be my end all and be all. It’s not fair to give her such an unattainable responsibility. No one could fill those shoes.
I need to start letting go.
Fa had a substitute today. Her teacher’s dad passed and won’t be in tomorrow either.
Fa saw her teacher from last year subbing and freaked the fuck out.
It was the whole “out of her element” issue that has been a problem before, but she was doing so well. It was weird for her to see her old teacher in a new surrounding and she literally broke down. Clung to me for a good half hour. Then, I got strong. I threatened. Whatever works, you know.
I told her if she didn’t go play, we were going home. She gathered her courage and played. I stayed in the room for a few more minutes and then said goodbye and left. I waited in the ‘holding room’. She was fine the rest of the time…I vented to some moms and I feel better. For now.
But I was proud of myself for not taking her out of the situation and forcing her to be strong.
I praised her when I picked her up and told her how proud I was of her for doing something that was difficult. It was difficult and she did it anyway. Whatta kid!
This is very hard.