I am a horrible mother.October 4, 2007
(Part of this post was written Thursday after a very long, hard day. It’s a confession of sorts. Come back another day if you are done with me whining.)
I need a break.
I am overwhelmed with motherhood (and I only have one) and life and I am losing it.
I’m losing it so bad that I slapped my daughter in the parking lot of the doctor’s office after an hour of unsuccessfully trying to get her to pee in a fucking dixie cup. Don’t these people know the struggles I faced trying to get her to pee in a potty!?
Then, I came home and threw a butter knife in the sink and broke 2 wine glasses because she wouldn’t wash her hands when I asked her 5 times. THAT was after she refused to eat lunch then changed her mind twice about what to eat. Cream cheese and crackers, no a cream cheese sandwich, NO! I SAID CRACKERS.
Like I’m a short order cook.
I feel like a failure and I can’t do this anymore.
I want my Mommy.
I spend 95% of my life trying to rear her as a functional (someone who doesn’t need therapy to blame it all on their mother) individual and 5% of the time trying to get her to do things MY way because I know BEST…and this equation isn’t working for my brain.
I need to let some things go. And I can’t. I said it. I can’t. Can NOT.
How do you do it?
How do you let this little person who has been under your care for approximately 14,000 or so days just go. She’s still a bitty baby in my eyes. She’s still so tiny and helpless.
At least that’s how I see her.
However, I’m finding this dichotomy between home and school is making her (and me) crazy. Her role at home is to be my ‘baby’ and I think she’s finally finding out from having to be so independent at school that she isn’t a baby and she is capable of doing for herself…But I don’t allow her that much freedom. And she doesn’t seem to want it at home. It seems that she’s so independent at school that she wants me to baby her home…Plus, who has the time? Do you know how long it takes to argue about the fact that she needs to get dressed. Then, the argument begins that she can’t do it herself and she needs me to do it for her…We’d never leave the house!
I want things done quickly and neatly. Ha! Those two words aren’t in an almost 4 year old’s vocabulary no matter how smart she is.
And we are knock down, drag out fighting.
I thought four was supposed to get easier. She’s close enough, no?
I feel this motherhood thing too overwhelming sometimes.
How do you do it?
Wait. Better question. How do you do it and actually enjoy it?