My AdmissionDecember 2, 2007
How’s this for starting out with a bang? Thanks for following me. If this is your first taste of me on WP…maybe you should just remember who I am…I’m ~JJ! Your friend. That’s why I’m posting what I’m about to post.
I’m going to reveal something to you today. Because you are my friends and because of you, I know I’m not the only one who is going through this. And, there may be someone out there who needs to hear this…I hope they find me.
As you already know from months and months of posts. I have mood swings. Putting it lightly.
I have times in my life when I am so down and dark that it feels like there’s no hope.
I have moments when I wonder, “Why?”.
“Why?” to all of it. Life, love, parenthood. Just “Why?”
I have been clinically depressed for years. I have been on and off medication, I have suffered from post partum depression and I have recovered through many difficult times in my life. Sometimes, I think about all the crazy crap I did because I didn’t want to be ‘here’ and I can’t believe that I am in fact still ‘here’.
I know my issues. I know they all started with the loss of my Mother and I know how to rise above the darkness. I am a pro at it now.
I had a therapist once who said the sign of mental HEALTH is realizing when you need help and actually seeking it.
Well, I have been on the hunt to seek the return of my mental health again…I have tried other options to finding inner joy and peace. I have gone to herbal therapists, nutritionists, chiropractors and anger therapists. I have tried meditation (which is a joy), I have tried working out. I’ve pretty much exhausted all of my options. But one.
One option that I have been avoiding. Due to the stigma more than anything else. It’s not like I’ve never tried it before. I was just hoping I’d never need it again.
I haven’t tried medication again.
I have started a regiment to regain control of my thoughts, anxieties and fears. I have begun my quest to control my depression and lift myself out of this funk that I have not been able to get out of.
I am scared. I am worried. I am fearful that I will be judged an unfit mother due to this decision that I have so painstakingly made.
But I am more afraid that if I don’t try this, I will be an unfit woman. And I refuse to be that way for my daughter. I need to set an example for her that I will do anything to be the best mother/woman I can be. Because she is that special. She deserves the best I can give her and lately, I have been failing her.
It must stop here.
And it must work. I need to strengthen my head, which in turn will force my heart to heal once more.
After all…I am still not healed after all of these years.