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My Admission

December 2, 2007

How’s this for starting out with a bang? Thanks for following me. If this is your first taste of me on WP…maybe you should just remember who I am…I’m ~JJ! Your friend. That’s why I’m posting what I’m about to post.

I’m going to reveal something to you today. Because you are my friends and because of you, I know I’m not the only one who is going through this. And, there may be someone out there who needs to hear this…I hope they find me.

As you already know from months and months of posts. I have mood swings. Putting it lightly.

I have times in my life when I am so down and dark that it feels like there’s no hope.

I have moments when I wonder, “Why?”.

“Why?” to all of it. Life, love, parenthood. Just “Why?”

I have been clinically depressed for years. I have been on and off medication, I have suffered from post partum depression and I have recovered through many difficult times in my life. Sometimes, I think about all the crazy crap I did because I didn’t want to be ‘here’ and I can’t believe that I am in fact still ‘here’.
I know my issues. I know they all started with the loss of my Mother and I know how to rise above the darkness. I am a pro at it now.

I had a therapist once who said the sign of mental HEALTH is realizing when you need help and actually seeking it.

Well, I have been on the hunt to seek the return of my mental health again…I have tried other options to finding inner joy and peace. I have gone to herbal therapists, nutritionists, chiropractors and anger therapists. I have tried meditation (which is a joy), I have tried working out. I’ve pretty much exhausted all of my options. But one.

One option that I have been avoiding. Due to the stigma more than anything else. It’s not like I’ve never tried it before. I was just hoping I’d never need it again.

I haven’t tried medication again.

Until now.

I have started a regiment to regain control of my thoughts, anxieties and fears. I have begun my quest to control my depression and lift myself out of this funk that I have not been able to get out of.

I am scared. I am worried. I am fearful that I will be judged an unfit mother due to this decision that I have so painstakingly made.

But I am more afraid that if I don’t try this, I will be an unfit woman. And I refuse to be that way for my daughter. I need to set an example for her that I will do anything to be the best mother/woman I can be. Because she is that special. She deserves the best I can give her and lately, I have been failing her.

It must stop here.

And it must work. I need to strengthen my head, which in turn will force my heart to heal once more.

After all…I am still not healed after all of these years.

It’s time.

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35 comments

  1. No one will consider you unfit for looking after yourself so that you can be completely present to take care of your family! Good for you!


  2. You need to do what you think is best for you and your family. If this is it, then I wish you the best of luck.


  3. honey, there is no shame in seeking the help you need, even if that help is chemical. there are many of us out there who can’t make it without “mother’s little helper.” you’d be surprised.

    good for you, though, for coming to the realization that medication is the next and best option for you now.

    i’m here for you. email me if you need to talk.

    hugs


  4. I look at it this way: My daughter is deaf, and her cochlear implants make her life better because she can hear, laugh, sing, shout, whisper, and tell mommy no. We wanted to do what we could to give her every opportunity to be happy and lead a “normal” life. (Well, normal for us … which isn’t so normal, turns out :-)).

    Same thing with the meds: If it can make your life better, which will in turn make your family’s life better, then you should do it. There’s nothing to be ashamed of in wanting to live your best possible life as your best possible self.

    Hugs!


  5. As I’ve said before, it takes the strongest kind of person to seek out the help they need and get their lives working IN THEIR WAY no matter what it takes.

    Good luck!


  6. You’ve moved? OMG. Where have I been? The new site looks lovely – and don’t worry you’ll get used to WordPress soon.


  7. good luck. I hope the meds help.


  8. You’re so brave (and generous) to share this. I’ve struggled with the same thing for years, and I know how hard it is to make the decision to take the meds again. Good luck (and the new site looks amazing).


  9. i’m here for ya babe. ’cause i’m going through the same thing. i was diagnosed with ppd several months ago, and i’m currently trying a third medication. the toughest thing i have ever done (and i’ve birthed two babies, lost my hair, blah blah blah!) was to admit to my hubby that i thought there was something wrong, and to talk to my doctor about it.

    i have the same feelings. there is this failure thing that sticks with me. i think i know it’s irrational, but i can’t get it out of my head. the thing is, i don’t think i’m a failure because i did something about it to help me and my children. i got help. which is what you are doing, right?

    i think you are making the right decision. i don’t like taking meds unless it’s absolutely necessary…and in this case, it is.

    hang in there, girl….if you ever need to talk, you know where to find me!


  10. Good for you. I hope it works, and you’re an even better mother for trying so hard.


  11. Wow! I loved this. You are a strong strong woman, and you are doing the best thing for yourself and your family. I think you are remarkable to lay it out there for us, and I thank you.

    -HH


  12. Good for you. I was put on antidepressants for headaches and insomnia and the EXTRA benefit is that I’m not so anxious and tearful all the time. If I had known I could feel this much better, I would’ve done it a long time ago.


  13. WHEW, that felt good didn’t it?
    I have no problem admitting that if things got ugly again I’d be on medication in an instant.
    Handling it on my own is too exhausting.
    Any one who judges you as an unfit mother is a poo poo poopy doopy head.
    (Pardon my three year old vernacular.)


  14. Good luck, JJ. I hope the meds help. But, friends can also help. I’m here if you ever need it (even if I don’t comment all the time, email me anytime).


  15. I am currently on medication for my PPD, and I feel so much better. I am so thankful that the angry, judgmental voices in my head have gone away and I feel like me again.

    I felt all of the things that you are feeling — like I somehow should have prevented it from happening, or if I could just figure out what was “wrong” with my life, I could fix it and it would go away. All I can say is that the day the medication kicked in, I realized that I needed it, and I was so grateful that it was there to use. It is not a failure and it is not your fault. You deserve to feel good, and your children deserve a mom who feels good. It is strong to seek help when you need it. It is a great mother who gets the help that she needs since she teaches her children to do the same thing.

    Sending much love and support. Be gentle with yourself.


  16. Being the technically challenged person that I am, I’ve put your site on my google reader so that I won’t mislay you again.
    Cheers


  17. Let us know if the meds work out. I am pretty up and down myself but have never taken meds.


  18. DEFINITELY do whatever it is you need to do to regain your mental health and have peace of mind once more. I am surprised there is still a stigma attached to medication anymore; in fact, I didn’t know that there was. Kudos to you!


  19. There is no shame in that. I have a very close relative that has been on medication for clinical depression for several years. I am proud of her for recognizing she needed the help and doing whatever it took.
    You are a strong woman and I know you will do what is right for you regardless of what anyone else thinks.

    Big smooches and hugs!


  20. you are brave. you are doing the right thing. don’t think of what the stigma is, think how much better you will be as a human being and how proud your child will be of you. brave !!!


  21. You’re so brave to come forward with a post like this and so smart to realize you need to do what it takes to get the help you need. The more people like you who realize they need the help and do something about it medically, the less of a stigma it becomes.


  22. I applaud you. I think it is a strong woman who can admit her weaknesses and tries to better herself.

    I felt that way a couple of years ago. Overwhelmed with 3 kids, ages 3 and under. Doing most things on my own. I finally asked for help of the medicated kind. And I felt better. I didn’t worry so much about the little things. I was calmer. I was a BETTER MOTHER. In time, things got easier, I had a mother’s helper for a time, and I got a handle on things. And I was able to slowly get off of them.

    I’m not perfect, and I have my really stressful days/moments, but I’m glad I leaned on a drug that helped me get thru a real tough spot. And if I feel overwhelmed again, I’ll revisit this.

    Know that it may not be for a long time, and that there isn’t any shame in asking for help, in ANY way.

    I’m proud of you.

    XOXO


  23. wow I am honestly sitting here crying right now…this post is EXACTLY what I have been going through the last few weeks. I have fought depression most of my life…and the last few weeks have been so bad. I have been thinking about going on medication again also. I know what a concern it must be, but I am proud of you for seeing that you want help.

    Thank you for letting me know I am not the only one….that does help!!!


  24. JJ. No stigma is being attached to you.

    I just hear a wise and intelligent person, a parent, who has exhausted all other options available.

    I hope it works.


  25. Just sent you an email, my friend.

    Nothing more to say other than that.

    Hugs to you, JJ. Hugs to you.


  26. After the miscarriage I REFUSED to believe that I was depressed and needed help. Then a really smart doctor convinced me to try some medication. I was so so so relieved to feel different. I had no idea how much it could change things for me.

    HUGS

    You rock. As a mom you are amazing. But in order to keep being amazing you need to take care of YOU. That includes your mental well being. It is all connected sister. pfft on what “others” might think. It is none of their business anyway.


  27. Try to prove I’m anything you’d like – but you will have to pry my meds out of my cold dead hands. I have been on meds for a while now, I have tried off, I have tried on, I absolutely need to be on the meds. There is no shame in that. And if all of us who use them keep talking about it – there will be less of a stigma.
    Thanks for adding your voice – and I really hope you find what works for you!


  28. When ya get a chance, drop in to my blog…there is an award there for you…


  29. My husband, sister, brother in law, and sister in law are or have been on anti depressants. I would warn that some have had unpleasant side effects. My sis in law had a rough time on Paxil (including chronic fatigue, weight gain and compulsive behavior) unti her dosage was corrected. My husband also suffered from insomnia, racing heartbeat, and even slurred speech while on anti depressants. It was very scary and thankfully he was able to wean himself off of them. He still goes through times of depression and would go back on meds if necessary. The drugs do work but you have to make sure the dosage is correct and that you’re on the right medication for you. Best of luck.


  30. I grew up with a depressed mom who never took meds. It. was. hell.
    Many blessings on you for realizing, trying and taking the hardest steps possible.
    This is my first foray into the world of “dirty laundry”.
    you are so brave.
    Congratulations, Blessings and Best Wishes.
    You are stronger than you realize and it looks as if you have a fabulous support system!


  31. You go, ~JJ!


  32. You do what you gotta go to get through it. No judgments here! It’s your path and no one else’s.


  33. You are very strong and brave to share this! Welcome, welcome, welcome BACK to the (as Lawyer Mama puts it) Prozac Nation!

    I have been a member for many years…and I long ago shed my fears of being judged for it! It is not a choice…it is a sickness! I am so glad you are finally seeking out the help you need…it has been a lifesaver for me!


  34. any one of us could probably post this post – at different times in our lives.


  35. Bravo!!!!!!! I can see right now, I will LOVE visiting your blog! A woman who is true to herself and realizing when she needs help!

    The crazy people in this world are the ones walking around UN-diagnosed and not recognizing they need to seek help! Props to you momma! You are going to be alright!

    I loved this part–I had a therapist once who said the sign of mental HEALTH is realizing when you need help and actually seeking it.

    That’s why I see one on the regular. I refuse to be the dangerous crazy kind. A little crazy ain’t never hurt anyone! 😉 And to be honest, I could have written this same exact post at least once a month for the past 10 years! ON THE REAL! 😉



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