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Stigma, or not?

December 4, 2007

Wow. Just Wow.

Thank you for your support my friends. This is a very difficult decision I have made regarding my health. And since the surgery (which was nothing, really) I have had a change of heart. I need to help myself in order to be here for my daughter.

And the responses I have received have been nothing but positive and heartwarming. I am in awe. Once again. By my blogging friends!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart…

…I do have some sorting out to do though.

These meds that I have begun taking.

Make me feel like less of a person now. They make me feel inferior.

But I know that once they begin working in the recesses of my brain, I will feel better.

Once they begin the process of connecting my synapses and sending the correct messages through my brain cells, I will feel like myself again.

The self that enjoys her family, enjoys her life and enjoys the little things. The self that doesn’t get frustrated over a lost pen, or a missing sock or an extra load of laundry to do.

I want to be the person I once was. The person who laughed at silly jokes, the person who made silly faces and didn’t care what other people thought.

I’m not her now. I’m too anxious to be her.
It all came to a head when I was crying in the bathroom one day a few weeks ago, all alone. And I asked myself, “Would she (Fa) be better of with me here and miserable or with me not here at all…” Then, I cried harder thinking about her being abandoned by a woman who couldn’t face the difficulties of life. And in the darkness of the bathroom I decided that NEITHER of those choices were acceptable. I needed to make a change.

But I will be myself again. I am hopeful. I haven’t been hopeful for a while.

I made a promise to myself that I will never get as dark as I was before. I am keeping my promise now. Finally.

My promise to myself is my promise to my daughter.

If I don’t help myself, she just may be a motherless daughter with me sitting right next to her. If I don’t enjoy this life, she won’t have a functioning mother along side of her.

That won’t happen. She is too special for that.

Wanna know what does make me smile?

I woke up to an e-mail from phototrade telling me that this picture was “photo of the day“.

Thanks Phototrade, thanks Erin.


Fa loves this tree outside of our side door.

Then. Then, the e-mails and comments that I woke up to were just mind blowing. You guys rock!

And Canadian Flake awarded me…bestbloggingbuddiesaward.jpg You see, it’s the little things that are worth it all…I’m slowly starting to see that again.

I’d like to award this to back to: Cate, Moosh and Margaret. And all the other fantastic commenters on that last post…You know who you are…

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22 comments

  1. Wellbutrin is what I took too! Seriously once it kicked in, I did not realize how shitty I really felt until I did not feel that way anymore. Being that I am a motherless daughter because my Mother was totally totally screwed up (how else can one explain her leaving with two other kids?) I can say this … Having a mom growing up would have been awesome. Having a screwed up mom that would have messed with my head … not so much (by no means do I think you are messing with Fa’s head, my mom was not depressed she is just a looser) I feel like I am wording this all wrong. Darn time zones! Just take care of you. All I ever wanted was a mom that loved me, little did I know all I was MEANT to be was a mother who loved her kids. You have a purpose,


  2. This is a wonderful post. It truly made me smile to read this. Take care of yourself for you and for Fa. She loves you and needs you, but you need to be the you that you want to be as well.


  3. You shouldn’t fee inferior. You have to look at it from a medical standpoint…it’s a chemical thing. You just need it to balance your brain juice!

    And, that is a beautiful picture.


  4. you wouldn’t withhold insulin from a diabetic or an inhaler from an asthmatic. these things do not make them inferior … they make them healthier. and so it is with your meds. they do not make you inferior. they merely make you a healthier you.

    hang in there.

    and i’m still here for you.


  5. wow… you’ve written pretty much how I feel. Knowing that somebody else feels the same way and is surviving helps. I’m afraid of medication, but also afraid of never feeling like myself again. Thanks for writing this.


  6. What a beautiful tree!

    The tree is changing, as are you. Now is the time where the tree rests in order to grow. Are you not also in this place?

    Proud of you for your strength. Keep it up.


  7. I can only speak for myself, but I really don’t think there is any stigma any more. I’m glad to hear that you’re full of zip and zing again, can’t be bad, can it?
    Cheers


  8. I’m with janet. Just get healthy, for you, your family. That’s the best thing to do. We will always be here as a sounding board or a shoulder to cry on, or arms to hug you.

    very nice on the award, congratulations!!!!


  9. Like the new place JJ…

    I read this post and the last post….medicine isn’t always such a bad thing JJ, I mean…if it’ll get your thoughts back to a more positive thing, it should definitely be tried without any reserve about it.

    Good luck, girl…


  10. I’ve never tried either of those drugs, but my MIL is on wellbutrin and my SIL uses Klonopin and they could both be reps for the stuff.
    Here’s to hoping it works that well for you.
    Warm fuzzy kitty hugs back at you, furball.


  11. You will get back to being yourself. Hang in there.


  12. Just wanted you to know that this is a real pain in the ass having to delete one blog link and add another. Don’t make another move like this without getting board approval.


  13. I’m glad the meds are helping. Sorry I am just now catching up, I feel like a bad blog friend.


  14. I think things will be okay; you know you are doing the right thing.

    That tree is gorgeous! And I love your house!


  15. Ive listened to my momma tell stories of standing on the lawn of a mental institution and looking up to see her mother in a window. Ive heard her tell stories of how her grandma raised her until her dad got back in the country and could take her. Ive seen the heartache in her eyes when she tells those stories and she’s 49.

    I say whatever you have to do to be the best you that you can for YOU and Fa, then do it!! You will be just fine, Im sure of it. ((HUGS))


  16. I am a fan of Lexapro…..it makes me even out without feeling like a zombie!

    Can’t wait to hear when you are 100%! 🙂


  17. I’m so sad that you had that cry in the bathroom – but so happy that you’re doing something so positive about it! Keep on taking care of yourself 🙂


  18. How could we pass up such a beautiful photo and a beautiful person???!!!


  19. I hope and pray that these meds help you find a level playing field.


  20. I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you–


  21. Ya know, I have to tell you how much you inspire me. I stuff a lot of things and I love that you talk about it. You share and are honest and I can relate to so much of your writings. I admire you. And you will get there again….I have zero doubt about that.

    xo.


  22. The pic is amazing…and I think you totally rock. I know you aren’t feeling that way now but you ARE amazing and strong…and we all believe in you. I know things will be better soon.

    (((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))



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