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Not Gaining Balance

December 5, 2007

I think I have forgotten the meaning of this space.

Instead of “gaining” that balance I so deserve, I am anxiously teetering upon the high wire of life and losing that balance I am striving to find.

I think I need to regroup.

Again.

Is it bad that I fall off the wagon so many times?…I do seem to eventually find it and mend it’s wheels to hop back on and continue this life’s journey.

I’m sorry to be such a downer.

I just finished Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert. I want to shake that woman’s hand. I don’t want to have her journey in particular, (although crying in the bathroom seems to be the way to go for a married woman) but I wish I was brave enough to find my own journey, and actually follow it. Or at least be happy with the journey I’m already on.

This book has made me think hard about my path again. I am questioning it’s direction right now and as my psychic once said; “I tell you what I see, but you have the power to change what you don’t like.”

I don’t like what I see.
I don’t like how I feel again.
I know I don’t like myself right now.
I need to reassess.
I need to straighten out the path I’m on.

I’ll be a happier blogger, I promise.

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27 comments

  1. you will get there. hang in there. i believe writing this all done and getting it out helps in some way as well !!!


  2. Taking time out to regroup is good I think.
    You can gain a new perspective, and hopefully take stock of where you are, what you have, who you want to be, and how are you going to get there?
    I don’t think it’s bad to assess & reassess these things. I think it will help you get to where you want to be.


  3. I have been meaning to pick that book up …
    I feel like I am reading my life. Regrouping, falling off the wagon, not liking what I am seeing, feeling.

    Hang in there. We can only go up from here.


  4. Maybe in part, it’s the time of year. It can be so stressful when things start piling up [for me at least] I’m no expert but I understand that stress and depression are related. Wishing you little bursts of positive energy.
    Best wishes


  5. You’ll get there! I’m glad you found a book that spoke to you. The written word is very powerful. You do it through blogging, it’s cathartic and allows you a new perspective.
    We’ll follow you through your ups and your downs and do our best to lift you up in praise, encouragement and love.
    πŸ™‚ Have a wonderful day.


  6. Stick to it. You are on your way …


  7. hang in there, hon. you’ll find it.


  8. thank you for such an honest post. it’s actually quite refreshing. people tend to put their best foot forward but I think it is very brave to shine a light on the tough spots as well. and very helful to other readers who can relate

    take care and hold the course!


  9. Like that classic Christmas cartoon, “put one foot in front of the other…”

    XOXO


  10. I am so glad you found that book. I loved it– it was incredible. Fight the good fight, okay? You don’t have to put on a happy face for me.

    -HH


  11. You don’t have to be a happier blogger for us. Just be YOU. We love you and we should all feel safe to write about the good, bad, and ugly because that’s what life is. As you know I also suffer with depression which is controlled pretty well for me with Wellbutrin. Writing my feelings on my blog has been so cathartic for me. Since starting my blog my depression along with my meds has been well controlled. Even with the difficulties I’m currently going through blogging has helped keep me on level ground. My wish is for you to get the same from blogging and not worry about only showing us the happy you. No one is ever happy all the time and if they say they are then they are pretending.

    xoxoxo


  12. It’s refreshing to see bloggers really wear their misery on their sleeve. I often feel like this but find it hard to admit to these feelings. You made me feel better about my own battles with depression and not knowing how to move forward.


  13. as someone once told me. When it looks way to tough, just make it through today. That’s all you have to worry about.


  14. Blog what you feel! I think that is the most important thing. I applaud your honesty and I know that in time you will get to that place you so want and need to be. Hell life is tough. You have to cut yourself some slack every now and then.

    If only my arms could reach from Seattle to NY -I’d be giving you the biggest hug ever.


  15. it will all be easier when your head gets clearer. You are in a very hard place to be. But someone once told me to thank this part of yourself since it is what makes you want to strive for a better life. It is sending you the message that you want more. Thank it and take the gift from it instead of putting pressure on yourself to be different.

    I appreciate bloggers who tell the truth — especially the hard truths that so many people try to hide. It helps a lot to be honest about how you really feel and to get back in touch with who you are instead of who you think you have to be. I am still struggling with this myself.

    The best thing I can say is to be gentle with yourself, to try to stop putting so much pressure on yourself, and to take care of you. I know it is hard and I struggle with it a lot. In the worst of my depression nothing I did was good enough and all that happened in my mind was self judgments and criticism. It will go away — just hold on. And try to imagine if your child was going through this, what would you do for them? Then try to do that for yourself. It is much clearer to me how hard I am being on myself when I can step out and look at it that way.

    You need to be exactly who you are, not some ideal martyr mom that seems to come out from nowhere and tell you who to be. You will be sometimes happy sometimes not, but it is all OK. You are OK.

    Big hugs!


  16. You’ll get there. You should use this to vent/express your feelings, good or bad.


  17. Here’s something to be happy about… i’ve tagged you. Come see, it’s fun πŸ™‚ LOL.


  18. We are here whether you want someone to laugh with or you need a shoulder to lean on.


  19. Oh, here is my page, http://everaftermyway.wordpress.com/


  20. I’ll have to check out that book – sounds great! And yeah, be yourself. That’s what blogs are for, right?


  21. I hope things start getting better for you. {{hugs}}


  22. I promise I will claim my award. I promise. Just too busy. LEaving at 4:15am tomorrow for a day trip. Ugh

    HEre’s the deal – I don’t care if you are a happy blogger, a sad blogger, a friendly blogger, a boring blogger (like moi) or a whatever blogger. I really truly don’t.

    I care about you being a blogger. So…you be the blogger YOU need to be. Like I said the other day, we’ll be here. And if I didn’t say that, I meant to. But I think I did.

    Just tell me to stop rambling.

    Seriously, JJ (how do you make that squiggle thing???) – be you. That’s it. That’s really all I could care about. OK? smooches.


  23. I had been trying to find the right meds for a long time, but the kicker came when someone teasingly said I never smile. Not that I never smile anymore, just that I never smile. And then my daughter agreed. I realized how unfair it was to my children to not be able to smile on a daily basis. After that I moved that search into high gear and found the right meds shortly after that. When I think of all the time that I wasn’t there for my kids – THAT makes me want to cry.
    You’re on the right path. You’re doing fine but it all takes time. Hang in!


  24. Thanks for this. I was looking at this book on Amazon (I think? Whatever. One of those places) and I thought maybe I should get it. So I think I will now! πŸ˜›


  25. Hang in there hon…give the meds time to kick in. I wish I could just grab a hold of you and hug you…and let you just cry as long as you want. I read these words and alot of the time, I think you are reading my mind…

    wish I knew the answer…..hang in there.


  26. Don’t make me come up there and kick you in the butt.

    You do NOT have to be happy on this blog if you aren’t feeling it. This is YOUR blog to write whatever the hell you want girlie. If you ain’t feeling happy, then talk about it. Gosh knows I’m not happy all of the time and I don’t feel funny all of the time either….like now

    And I’m gonna just say what I think (ha!)….I’m not too sure about that last part about straightening out the path you’re one. The straight and narrow is pretty boring. The path that twists and turns, goes up and down is what it is all about. Talk about a ride!


  27. Crying in the bathroom with the doors locked is a good thing! Do whatever gets you back to your happy spot! This is your place! Let loose πŸ™‚



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