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You know what I keep thinking?

December 13, 2007
“What happens when the future has come and gone?”
Robert Half

I don’t wanna get to the end of my life and be disappointed.

I wanna look back and be satisfied with the path I’ve walked.

I look back and take inventory of where I have been so far and I feel so badly for the teenager I was. It was a dark, dark time in my life that followed me into my late 20’s. It was a good decade of depression until I got help (the first time)…I am proud of myself for taking the steps I took to seek help.

I’ve had some great years in between.

Now, I want the next decade to be a positive one. I have recently caught myself trying to navigate through the dark fog and it wasn’t working. I needed to step out and brush myself off and start again.

I’m in the process.

I’ve used my daughter as my beacon of light and hope again. It is a hard role to play…but it will show her how much she’s meant to me. It will show her how my love for her makes me want to be a better person.

When I die, I want to look back and say, “That was pretty great!”

I want my daughter to respect me and think that I truly did the best I could for her. I want her to be strong and independent and speak her mind. I want her to be the woman I am having a hard time being.

That’s what I keep thinking.

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17 comments

  1. I really don’t think you’re going to have to worry about that. You’re going through a rough time, but you’re going to get through it. It is clear that you refuse to let this get the best of you.

    10 years from now, you will be looking back – and you’ll be very proud of how you overcame this obstacle and moved on.


  2. Hang in! I’m going to say a prayer for you.


  3. I think your thinking is dead on sista!!!

    I wanna skid to a halt all torn up and worn out, screaming DAM WHAT A RIDE!!!!

    That’s my goal. And if I mess up, I just get back on that horse and ride it. hehehe

    Noticing you wanna do it, is the first major step.


  4. I think we all struggle with that one. I don’t know how you get the balance right. I do know that I was [am] a great disappointment to my own mother, and I would hate my daughter to feel like that.
    BEst wishes


  5. I think that’s what we all want, JJ. I know that you will overcome this because you are strong – and you have a very bright shining beacon showing you the way to the shore.

    You’re in my thoughts. 🙂


  6. I think it’s great that you know how you want your life to be, how you want it to be better. Go after it.


  7. thinking about you… and sending positive vibes.

    let fa lead you for now. then you will be better able to lead her later.

    hugs


  8. The more I read you the more you remind me, in many ways, of myself.

    Keep on keepin’ on. You’re on the right track.


  9. I’m pretty sure she’s going to be darn proud of her mom–even if it is after a period of teen years in which you may not recognize her at all.

    I’m proud of you for recognizing that you needed to back up and straighten out. Sometimes that alone is the hardest part.


  10. She will be proud of you, honestly she will. There are LOTS of things to be proud of. I know sometimes it doesn’t feel like it but know that you are strong and capable and can and will change that which doesn’t feel right.


  11. The fact that you know what you want is the first step. Fa will always be your girl and always be proud of you because you tried. That is all we can do, Do the best we can and keep trying. Just keep swimming, swimming swimming … you know to quote a little fish story I have seen like 100 times …


  12. Hugs to you.

    Now go back and read all my previous posts/emails. OK?

    JJ – I wish you could see what I “see” (ok…read) in you.

    I am so proud of you for beign able to write this stuff. That’s so hard. And you speak for so many of us.

    Hugs….margaritas, soon? Please???


  13. Hugs lovey. You realize, you see, you strive, you try.. you are so far ahead of the curve.
    I send you blessings of peace, love, light, clarity and happiness.
    I think you’re further ahead than you realize.
    It amazes me that you have the strength to ‘talk’ about this. You will touch and help more people than you realize.
    and you make me grin every time I see Dirty Laundry on my blogroll!


  14. Those are really great thoughts.


  15. I keep having the same thoughts…but in my case I fear it is too late for me. I have travelled far enough down the path that it is too late to turn back…too late to find a new path…and at the end of my path is loneliness and ultimate failure. I pray that your path will be a much better on….I have faith that will you find the way.

    I believe in you !!!


  16. Stay in the moment hon! Don’t look too far back or too far ahead…enjoy what is right now.
    Reminding myself to stay in the now has helped me a lot with the negative emotions.

    Hugs to you!


  17. Is Robert Half the guy that founded the recruiting firm? Anyway, I think you should cut yourself some slack. Didn’t your mother pass away– and that’s why you went into a dark period? Losing your mother at such an impressionable age is a VERY difficult thing to have to go through. I think you should be proud of the fact that you survived it and gave birth to a wonderful little girl.



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