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Big Girl

December 20, 2007

It seems like yesterday that you were born.

I remember that first night all to clearly.

As I lay crying in my hospital bed, I thought of you. I wished you were still inside of me. I was mourning the loss of my fullness and my belly. I was mourning the loss of my mother all over again. I felt empty and alone. I thought I’d never feel joy. You were taken from me and I was sad. Just like my mother was taken from me…At least that’s how it felt that night…and for months to follow.

Little did I know that just a few years later, you would fill me up with unmeasurable joy and love and hope.

It took me a long while to connect to you once we left the hospital and I’m sorry for that. I kept wishing your parents would come and take you home. I kept wondering, what do I do now? I kept wishing you would go.

But you knew.

You knew that it would take some time to adjust. For both of us.
You were patient with me.

You were colicky and cried and cried and I wasn’t sure if you were crying on your own or if you were crying because I was crying.

I was so confused. And sad. And alone. And scared.

Then, you smiled and reached for me that first time. That was it.

I knew you were meant to fill my heart with love and show me the way. You knew more than I ever could at that time and you taught me how to live again.

Instead of the emptiness I felt at first, I was enveloped in your energy and light. I was full.

You were all I needed.

And you knew. It would happen. We would bond as two soul mates, meant to be in each other’s lives.

Today, you are four.

A big girl in your own right.

And we are growing and learning together. You and me. A team.

I am so proud to be your mother, for you shine brighter than any star in the sky. And you are from me.

We are connected in a way that only a Mother and Daughter can be. And I am thankful that you were patient with me.

And I’m sorry that I wanted to find you a better mother than me at that time. I was scared. For both of us.

However, I am honored and forever grateful to be the chosen one to lead you on your life’s journey.

I know now, that you have chosen me. I am the only Mother for you and I will do anything I can to help you grow into an independent and strong soul.

You are smarter than your years. You are an old soul.

And I breathe for you.

Happy Birthday my sweet little girl.

And thank you for teaching me all that you have in these four years.

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20 comments

  1. happy happy birthday, fa!

    i don’t quote scripture (EVER!) but all i could think of here was “and a little child shall lead them …”

    and so she has.


  2. Happy Birthday Fa!!


  3. Happy Birthday to Miss Farfallina!


  4. Happy Birthday Fa!


  5. What a beautiful post. Happy Birthday Fa!!!!!!


  6. Happy Birthday, Fa! Wonderful post πŸ™‚


  7. Happy Birthday!
    You have come so far in 4 years! WOW! Well written post and thank you for sharing. It is so incredible that you are so honest with yourself and others! That is a very special quality to have.


  8. Awwww, sweet post JJ.

    Happy Birthday Fa!!


  9. Happy birthday to both of you! Such a beautiful way to remember her 4 years. I definitely identified with you when you said you wanted her real parents to come and take her home…oh I remember that feeling well!


  10. Happy Birthday!!


  11. Aw!

    Happy Birthday to Fa!


  12. Breath-taking honesty. Really.
    Happy Birthday little one!


  13. Happy Birthday to both of you!


  14. Happy Birthday to your incredible little girl!


  15. Happy Birthday Fa! πŸ™‚

    i have to say, i am sitting here in tears, because i identify with this post so much.

    Fa couldn’t have a better mother! ’cause you rock!


  16. awwwww such a wonderful tribute to the litigator..Happy Birthday dear Fa..I think you and your Mom have a wonderful journey ahead of yourselves…


  17. Happy Birthday Fa!!!!

    I hope you get lots and lots and LOTS of presents! You deserve it!

    I hope in 15, 20, 30, 40 years, you sit and read this post. Your mommy is a WONDERFUL woman and has made you into such a special and sweet little girl. One who is kind, sweet and loves her doggie VERY much!!!


  18. she will read that when she is 40 — and be so overcome with sweet memories.


  19. You two are indeed a team – and a great team at that.

    Happy Birthday, Fa!!!


  20. Such a beautiful, honest post.

    Happy Birthday to Fa…I hope it was a great day.



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