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I can forgive, but I won’t forget

February 16, 2008

(This post was initially written on 2/16/07…one year ago, at my first place. It’s amazing how my mind works…Brings things up like clockwork…But again, it still feels fresh…I just wanted to post it here…Because it’s on my mind again. This abandonment issue that I deal with often. It’s reared it’s ugly head once again. Why does it always feel like the ones you love most, leave? 

For some reason, I feel if I bring back some of my old writing, I’ll get inspired…anyone mind?)

The apology has been barely uttered.

Years have gone by.

But you can’t seem to get it out of your head heart.

The abandonment, the lying, the disappointment. The pressure to forgive a person for something they have done not even to you but to themselves. It still seems so fresh and so real. It’s over, but is it ever really over in your head?

She is the one who suffered. She is the one who went through it. But you feel betrayed. You feel the hurt just as deeply as if it was your own.

Life goes on. Life happens and you are supposed to forgive and forget but you have this nagging feeling of abandonment and ‘how could you do this to me?’ and you try too hard to ignore it but it surfaces when you least expect it, when you need her most. It surfaces and you back away, recoil. You become aware of the hurt and the pain you felt when she wasn’t there and you needed her most.

You try deep in your soul to let life go on as if nothing ever happened. But it’s there in your heart and you can’t let it go. You feel manipulated just a little bit and a victim of her passive-aggressive behaviors brought on by such a difficult life. Yet, you continue to pretend.

You are petrified she’ll leave again. She’ll do it again. She’ll abandon you for good and then what will you have? Nothing. Again.

You will be left alone again. Probably when you need her most.

So why bother?

Because you love her. Unconditionally. And it hurts too much to let go. You can’t say anything because, you are afraid you’ll hurt her by telling her how you really feel. Even if it means you can’t really trust. You have to pretend. Because you love her too much to let her see that you can’t trust her. You love her too much to let her know how deeply she hurt you. Even if your heart is suffering because of her.

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8 comments

  1. I understand the feelings of abandonment so well.

    HUGS!


  2. Sometimes it is good NOT to forget. There are usually lessons to be learned, but it is so difficult. Not everyone can get past these kinds of hurts, but it sounds like you did the best you could with your circumstances. I do wish there was something I could say to make things better. *hugs*


  3. I remember this post. And no, I don’t mind at all you bringing back the older posts.

    Hang in there girl.


  4. hang in there, hon. i totally feel you on this one.


  5. Big giant hugs to you. HUGE hugs.


  6. awh JJ,
    no, i don’t mind at all. you say whatever you need to. this is your blog. it is great that you have a place where you feel totally comfortable to say what is really on your mind .. the good stuff and the aches.

    so sorry for the pain you have. i understand this kind of pain for i have been here, too. maybe not all the same circumstances of course but i can relate.

    may you find peace in this day and freedom from having this consume your thoughts negatively.

    blessings girl,
    kathleen

    ps. i like visiting. thanks for the awesome compliment via email today. you made me grin.


  7. I agree with devil…forgiving is one thing…but that doesn’t mean it is wise to just forget when someone has wounded you so deeply…


  8. be still, my friend…and know that I’m sending you peace.



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