Not there?

February 19, 2008

It’s only been about one full month since she moved.

I just heard from her Thursday, for the first time. In a month.

I know she’s busy and all. I mean starting her life somewhere else and making good for her and her family will make a girl busy.

But I really don’t feel right.

I feel left. Again.

I am so sad since she moved. Depressed and sad. Not because we don’t talk every day, we never did even when she was here. Not even because we won’t see each other as often, we really only saw each other once or twice a month anyhow.

It’s the distance.

The fact that even if I wanted to, I can’t just drive over to her place for coffee. Or to get our daughters to play together…and be real BFFs. Like we are. Or like we were. I’m unsure.

I’ve been thinking long and hard about this. And I really don’t feel right. I really do feel left.

I feel like I was am always there and available for her whenever she needs to cry, vent, share a whacked out story, just talk. I always answer the phone when it’s her no matter what I’m doing. I always ran right over when she needed me.

But I feel she’s impossible to find when I need a shoulder. She never answers her phone when I need to talk to her. She never calls back right away. (I’m guilty of that mostly too..but not with her, I always call her back right away.)

She’s always been a little distant.

It sort of feels like a one sided love affair. I am giving all of my heart to this relationship (good and bad) and she’s giving her heart up when its available. Which is never right when I need it.

And I need her now. Not only is she unavailable, she’s thousands of miles away. Unattainable.

We met when we were 9 years old. We became best friends instantly. She’s moved away before. And we have gone months, even years without seeing each other or talking to each other. But when we finally did reconnect it was always like we never missed a second of each other’s lives. We clicked right back into best friend mode.

And I loved that about us.

No matter how long it’s been, it really has never been too long.

But this time, it feels wrong.

It feels like she has her own life to contend with and when there’s time, she’ll fit me in. Or when bad news comes her way, I’m there to listen. She’ll take the time to vent all of her joys, her fears, frustrations and issues within one phone call. But within that time, I’m left with no chance to spill my heart out. Leaving me feeling alone. Again. And when I NEED to spill it, she’s impossible to get a hold of.

I love her so much, that I pretty much have let this behavior slide because she always seems to have a whole crapload on her plate. But I do too.

And I want to cry on her shoulder. But I can’t.

And I’m starting to think this is how it has always been. When she needs me, I’m there. When I need her, I have to wait until she finds the time to get back to me.

Is that how the relationship always was? So one sided? So distant? I think so.

That is why I’m saddest. It’s not the physical distance between us. It’s the emotional distance. It’s that I’m finally seeing (or feeling) I really am not all that important to her, as she is to me. Unless she needs advice. Then I am the best.

My feelings are hurt. My heart hurts. My head hurts from the memories of our aging friendship changing shape. Was she really my best friend all this time or was I just someone convenient to vent to? Someone unbiased toward her life, not family, but the closest thing to it without hurting my feelings when she’s ripping on them. Someone who is always there? To take advantage of? To use?

I hope not. But that’s how it feels these days.

All of a sudden, I feel very alone. Again.



  1. My goodness, what a weight to have on your shoulders.

    I am so sorry you are feeling this way. I have been in your position. It is so very hard, but it will get better. Promise.

  2. Darlin’. What a yucky situation.
    Well, as the person who has always been the ‘mover’ it’s hard. You get so wrapped up in the daily stuff of moving, unpacking, learning your new surroundings and trying to assimilate into your ‘new’ life.. it’s not that you’re avoiding or forgetting your ‘old’ life; it’s just that days go by before you realize it. Hours fly like seconds in all the haste and hoopla.
    With a relationship like you’ve described, you’re not forgotten nor would you be easily dropped. You know she loves you, but it is so indescribably hard to be the one ‘left behind’. You’re left in the same place, same situation, same life… they’re off to the new.
    I’m sorry you’re feeling so lonely and low, but at least you have your blog to express yourself on and all of your wonderful readers and bloggy friends to give you love and support.
    Big hugs and many prayers of strength from me to you.

  3. Trust that she cares for you, if she didn’t she wouldn’t come to your for that sympathetic ear and/or advice…but unfortunately her kind of caring is extremely one sided and not what you need. Frankly not what any of us need.
    I hope you are able to reach out to her and let her know how you feel. Perhaps write her a letter. Because that kind of thing is hard to say to someones face. Don’t give up if you really feel in your heart that this friendship is worth saving. Even with the distance.
    On the other hand…if its more work then reward then perhaps you can let it go.
    Trust your gut on this!

  4. That’s really sad. I’m glad you have this blog to share those feelings. I wish I had a private one sometimes – I’m kinda jealous. I hope you find what you need, whether from her or from someone else. And hey, I’ll give you my number and we can chat anytime – I promise to either answer or call you back right away! 😉

  5. oh, honey, i wish i lived near you so i could rush right over RIGHT NOW! and give you a ginormous hug and let you cry on my shoulder.

    i am sad for you … but also THERE for you. if you need a shoulder or a (cyber) hug or lots and lots of wine (well, virtual wine) and someone to kick your butt at word games.

    that’s me. all here.


  6. While I certainly see why you feel the way you do (I have been there! Many times!) I just thought I’d play devil’s advocate and suggest that you speak up next time you do talk to her. Especially if your friendship has always been mainly this way, maybe she’s not even aware that you feel this way about her? I hope it gets sorted out soon! I am no longer in touch at all with any of my best friends from the first twenty years of my life, and it sucks :/

  7. You don’t feel right, you feel left. I loved that.. even though it was sad to read.

  8. Awwwwwww I am so sorry you are feeling so lonely and sad…it scares me how much I can really relate…

    Hang in there…wish there was more I could say to help.


  9. I have been through something similar. What I thought was an “equal participation” relationship for many years changed.

    When I looked back, it hadn’t. It had always been one-sided; I had just preferred to ignore it, I guess.

    But, over time, I realized that moving on was best. There was no since trying to force the issue after all these years.

  10. I’d say she mustn’t be as smart as you think or she wouldn’t let you get away. I’d keep you busy if you were nearby, but I am a bit of a drive for you just to pop over for a chat.

    Big hugs to you! And did Janet mention word games? Scrabulous maybe? Because I’m game for that, too! (and I also have a phone! Hell, I even have two!)

  11. awh JJ,
    i just ache for your heart. if i lived there, i’d come right over and hug ya tight and tell you your thinging makes sense here. you deserve so much more. we all do. you deserve to be in a close friendship that is TWO WAY, equal, give and take … not take take take.

    you deserve to have a BFF who is like YOU JJ … kind, sweet, giving, considerate, unselfish, and who is there for you in the good and the tough.

    distance isn’t really about miles. you’re right. it is emotional distance. my closest friend lives thousands of miles away but we are connected heart in heart and share all the time and no miles will change that. i hope you are blessed with a beautiful two way close BFF relationship soon. you have so much to offer and give. i’d like to see you pouring out your soul to a friend who loves you the same as you give.

    blessings tonight.

    ps. come see me. i’m not posting much anymore, don’t feel like doing it everyday anymore, so i poured out my heart into one post tonight. want to share with you. thank you so much for the beautiful emails yesterday. you have heart girl.

    big hug sweetie,
    kathleen xoxo

  12. I have been there. It sucks when you feel you are in a one-sided friendship.

    If you need anything, I am here. You have my email address(es) – email if you need to talk.

    Big hugs…

  13. Ok ugh I have been trying to escape so I can leave you a comment for two days … so here it is…I have had friends like that the takers the non givers … it is very hard . I guess you need to decide if it is worth feeling this way? Is the friendship worth it. A wise friend once told me that life was too short to have people in our lives that are not quite up to snuff. If she is failing you … move on. If she is still giving you some emotional support, we have to accept the things we cannot change. No matter how much you want her to be the friend you need, she may never be that. In fact if she isn’t that now, chances are she will not be. It sounds like (and please tell me to piss off if I am stepping over the line here), you need her to be more than because you need your Mom. There is a hole in your heart that may never be filled and that hole wants more. I used to expect much more from people than they could ever live up to, then when they failed to live up to that, I would be all righteous and say SEE SEE I ALWAYS get left … abandonment sucks. Your Mom left. No mere friend will ever be able to fill that hole. However with time (we hope) that hole will be smaller and many things may fill it partially. More often than not, the people in our lives have no idea that we needed more, wanted more … usually they cannot see beyond themselves. Someone that has never suffered a loss of the magnitude of yours will NEVER understand. That said it also sounds like she is very much a ME person that will be very lonely when everyone around grows tired of hearing only about one subject.

    Many hugs … wish I was closer!

  14. My Sister from another mister, I know this feeling. And let me start by saying that I’m sorry that you’re feeling this…

    I have a dear friend…or rather SHE has a dear friend (in me) and we’ve been friends since we were 3 years old. And it’s a carbon copy of what you’ve described.

    It used to (and still occasionally does) bum me out. But, YOU DO mean the world to your friend. She knows that you’re there being the best when she needs you. And the same goes with my “friend”. And yes, it is never reciprocated.

    For the most part, I’ve come to terms with this. I love her. for who she is, not who I want her to be. I have other people in my life that serve that roll and I don’t need her to do it…especially because she’s not going to. 🙂 But, I try to live by what Eleanor Roosevelt said; “No one takes advantage of us without our consent.” And it’s true.

    But, you know what? It’s okay. I WANT her to take advantage of me. I have enough love, filled to the brim most of the time, to spill over to her. Unconditionally.

    And when I’m tired and run down, it’s hard to continue to feel this way. But then, I call on the person who does fill that role for me. and I walk and I take deep breaths. I drink lots of water and eat good food. I lie down with the dogs and I try to be still. I think peace and love…and then somehow, it all feels okay again.

    I love you, J. You’re my friend. And I’m yours.

  15. I can’t stand one sided relationships! I have a couple of friends that are like this too. It’s unfortunate, but I can’t seem to cut the ties, because there is just too much history, you know?

    You do what’s right for you…what feels good for you. It’s really hard to tell someone that you think something is one sided.

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