It’s official.February 20, 2008
I’m a basket case.
I can’t stop crying. My husband thinks I need serious help. He’s tired of seeing me like this.
What threw me over the edge yesterday?
I finally spoke seriously to my BFF, K yesterday, twice. I know, shocker.
I told her I need her to call me back when I call her. Because most of the time I’m calling more than once because I really need to talk to her. She promised she’d do it.
Then she proceeded to spill more of her guts.
Now, a little background. As you mostly know. I have one child. I am satisfied with one child. However, I’m scared because I feel like I should be having another child. But I can’t. I feel like I should WANT another child. But I don’t. I do feel abnormal for thinking this way. I would love to be content and satisfied enough with mself to be able to give my family one more child. But I’m not. And I know I won’t ever be. I’m getting old. I’ll be 36 next week. I will not be having another infant screaming in this house. Especially when Fa is getting more independent and well, easier. I mean really, I fucking love my sleep. I’m selfish. I know.
Adding to that, I had serious PPD with Fa and I am gun shy. To the point that I won’t even talk about it anymore. I fear for my mental stability if I had another one. And it’s on thin ice as it is people. I have no patience for the one I have most of the time and I truly think that more than one is too much. For me.
My husband hates that about me. I feel guilty. I feel different. I feel alone in this thought.
K was the only other person in the world I connected with on this topic. We were both in strong agreement that one was enough and one was fulfilling and all that other crap. Even other women I have spoken with who swore left and right that they were done with one, are moving on to two even three kids.
You see where I’m going with this, no?
K is pregnant. With number two. She’s so happy I could spit.
She’s once again left me alone. It’s official. I am the ONLY woman in creation who doesn’t want more kids. Who can’t have more kids, not because my body won’t handle it, but because my head won’t handle it.
I am a freak.
What woman on this earth doesn’t want to have a child to love and hold and nourish? What woman who has gone through the joys of pregnancy and childbirth and holding that little bundle for the first time, is so petrified that she vows NEVER to do that again?
I mean, there are women right now suffering emotional loss because they can’t even have one, or have a second because their bodies won’t let them. And I feel so deeply for their loss.
I need to seriously fix this head of mine, but I’m fearing more than ever that by the time I get balanced, it’ll be too late. My kid will be grown up, probably pissed at me for my crappy decisions in life that affected her terribly, my husband will have gotten sick of the drama and once again, I’ll be left alone.
I can’t help feeling so fucking alone.