h1

It’s official.

February 20, 2008

I’m a basket case.

I can’t stop crying. My husband thinks I need serious help. He’s tired of seeing me like this.

What threw me over the edge yesterday?

I finally spoke seriously to my BFF, K yesterday, twice. I know, shocker.

I told her I need her to call me back when I call her. Because most of the time I’m calling more than once because I really need to talk to her. She promised she’d do it.

Then she proceeded to spill more of her guts.

Now, a little background. As you mostly know. I have one child. I am satisfied with one child. However, I’m scared because I feel like I should be having another child. But I can’t. I feel like I should WANT another child. But I don’t. I do feel abnormal for thinking this way. I would love to be content and satisfied enough with mself to be able to give my family one more child. But I’m not. And I know I won’t ever be. I’m getting old. I’ll be 36 next week. I will not be having another infant screaming in this house. Especially when Fa is getting more independent and well, easier. I mean really, I fucking love my sleep. I’m selfish. I know.

Adding to that, I had serious PPD with Fa and I am gun shy. To the point that I won’t even talk about it anymore. I fear for my mental stability if I had another one. And it’s on thin ice as it is people. I have no patience for the one I have most of the time and I truly think that more than one is too much. For me.

My husband hates that about me. I feel guilty. I feel different. I feel alone in this thought.

K was the only other person in the world I connected with on this topic. We were both in strong agreement that one was enough and one was fulfilling and all that other crap. Even other women I have spoken with who swore left and right that they were done with one, are moving on to two even three kids.

You see where I’m going with this, no?

K is pregnant. With number two. She’s so happy I could spit.

She’s once again left me alone. It’s official. I am the ONLY woman in creation who doesn’t want more kids. Who can’t have more kids, not because my body won’t handle it, but because my head won’t handle it.

I am a freak.

What woman on this earth doesn’t want to have a child to love and hold and nourish? What woman who has gone through the joys of pregnancy and childbirth and holding that little bundle for the first time, is so petrified that she vows NEVER to do that again?

That’s right.

Me.

I mean, there are women right now suffering emotional loss because they can’t even have one, or have a second because their bodies won’t let them. And I feel so deeply for their loss.

I need to seriously fix this head of mine, but I’m fearing more than ever that by the time I get balanced, it’ll be too late. My kid will be grown up, probably pissed at me for my crappy decisions in life that affected her terribly, my husband will have gotten sick of the drama and once again, I’ll be left alone.

I can’t help feeling so fucking alone.

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25 comments

  1. Wow. wow. I feel a bunch of these feelings even though I have 2 children. I feel like I know that I could not handle 3. I might have 3 if I was a spring chicken, but at the ripe age of 39 and 11 months, I feel that I really need to be pregnant now or it is just too old after that. I hate myself for not feeling like I could handle 3, I hate myself for not WANTING 3 in this time frame, for taking on the challenge now , knowing it wil get easier when they are older and they will be happy to have more than one sibling.

    Only you/I know our limits. Only we know what is right for us. If it is right for now, it will still be right in the future.
    I just heard about a woman whose second husband was widowed before he meet her. There was an inquiry about how he was widowed. Silence, and then she was depressed and killed herself. Silence. She was pregnant and was scared she would not be a good Mom. If you know and want ONE child, then that is want YOU should do, and let no other human talk/guilt/shame you into anything else.


  2. HEY … SLOW DOWN!

    Ok you are so not the only woman on earth that only wants one kid. There are a lot of only kids out there that are happy, content and totally NORMAL> Now that i have a baby boy too I am glad we did it, however I had seriously doubts along the way since everything with Becca was AWESOME and I upset that balance. It is not the same, it is different and if you do not want different then THAT IS TOTALLY OK.

    It sucks to feel alone … MANY HUGS.

    Wishing even more I ws closer!


  3. Oh honey.
    You are not alone. I have read so many blogs from brave women like you who struggle/have struggled/are struggling with PPD and self doubt and frustration and confusion.
    I’m so sorry that you feel like you’re all alone.
    Would you consider help? It is never too late for anything, unless you wait until the end. If you have the support and love of your husband it’s even better. I wish there were more I could do for you.
    I’m not qualified to help with this, but I can send you hugs, love and virtual support and prayers.
    Good luck and God Bless honey.


  4. awh JJ,
    you’re not messed up. you are awesome.

    i am 39. i went through PPD after we had our second girl, but i didn’t know what was going on with me until years later. i never said a word about how i felt — i felt messed up. i feel guilty for how i didn’t feel happy gushing to have this new little baby then. i felt better about her later but it took time. we have two girls. they are now 17 and 15.

    even if i could have anymore babies, there is NO AMOUNT of money that anyone could pay me that would make me have another one. i think parenting is THEE hardest of any job and i would never do it again. i am grateful that we had them at times, sometimes more, but mostly i am frustrated and frustrated. and i don’t like me when i feel this way. i have little tolerance and patience but again, we are works in progress and we can keep striving to get better. you are not the only woman in the world who never wants to have anymore. i’m one of them, too.

    you contacted your friend and you poured out your heart and she still had to make it all about her and her and her. you deserve to have a dear close friend in your life who is totally into you, as you are into them. i know it hurts to realize what you have and my heart goes out to you for the ache and pain you have been experiencing and talking about. but you are not a freak to think this way and to write about your feelings.

    you deserve better. and you will find better. you will start to notice more and better things about others in your life, other new people you meet, too … because you are letting go of clinging onto THEE friend who you thought provided what you needed in a close relationship. the more you let it go, the more you will see what you have missing in others.

    you will find something so much better, i am sure of it. because you are open to it now and you know what you no longer want. that is powerful to know what you no longer want. you know now what you are not willing to put up with in a relationship.

    you seek which you find. thank you for saying you needed to read my post. i am glad it helped you in any way JJ. you rock! you do. listen to my words. if you don’t believe in yourself right now, just read my notes again right now. you deserve so much more, got it?

    (((HUGS))) to JJ today. you have the best kind of heart there is girl — one that is sweet and full of love to give. that is a gift. take care today, kathleen 🙂 xoxo


  5. Don’t be so hard on yourself. You are doing the RIGHT thing by NOT having another baby BECAUSE you know you can’t handle it. A child doesn’t need a mom (or dad) that is not totally committed to its well-being. And that’s not you right now. And it may never be you. And that’s FINE AND DANDY! There are millions of kids that are in homes where they’re merely ornaments, window-dressing or pains-in-the-ass for their parents. Your frustrations with Fa are part of her growth (and yours as a parent.) PERFECTLY NORMAL. (I emphasize that for MY benefit, as well as yours. Because I’m totally incapable of handling Stinkerbell – who’s 7 now – and totally lose my cool almost daily. Daily, I apologize to her for the mistakes I make and the grumpiness I unload on her.)

    Hold your head up. Do what is right for YOU. If it’s wrong for you, then it’s wrong for the Pro, Fa and any other baby that might come along.

    Follow the path that is right for you. You’re not alone on it. Even if you feel like it. God puts all on a slightly different road in life. Following His will is what will bring you joy and fulfillment.

    just so you know, I’m preaching to myself a little there too.

    LOVE!!!


  6. Sweetie, the only thing you need to fix about your head is the fact that you think you’re a freak for not wanting another child. There are PLENTY of women who want only one, or not even one, and there’s NOTHING wrong with that! I have 2, because I wanted 2, but under NO circumstances do I want another. And God bless all the women who glowed all through their pregnancies and didn’t suffer even a little PPD after they had their babies, but that’s not most of us.

    You’re very brave and generous for putting this out there. The reason why so many people feel like freaks is that so many of us do such a good job at pretending to be “normal”…we actually fool others into believing that we are.

    I hope you feel better soon.


  7. Whoa, whoa, whoa…you are not alone! What is wrong with only wanting one child (or someone who doesn’t want kids, or someone who wants 20?) NOTHING is wrong with that! It’s YOUR life, YOUR body…

    I hope you find peace with this, it really is YOUR decision…a perfectly logical, normal decision.


  8. JJ, I’m so sorry this is ripping you up. It’s grief, understandable grief, because you’ve lost (essentially lost, at least) someone who is like a sister. But I know you’ll take good care of yourself, and that if it starts to feel more like depression than just grief, you’ll seek help. Right? You’re strong enough, smart enough to get help when you need it. But there is a difference between being depressed and being upset over things that suck. It sucks that your best friend moved away. It sucks that she’s having another kid and will have even less time for you. It sucks to feel like the only mom in the world who is done at one.

    That part, at least, I can really identify with, since I’m stuck at one myself. It wasn’t my choice, no, but the outcome is much the same. I’m the last of my friends with one kid, and my BFF, much like yours, avoided my calls for a month or more because she dreaded having to tell me she’s pregnant w/ her second. I almost feel like I need a new set of friends, friends whose youngest kids are the age of my son, friends who aren’t all wrapped up in and exhausted by their babies.

    I’ll tell you a secret. Even though I do want more kids, and have grieved mightily about my inability to have more, quite frequently I’m glad I only have one. I rejoice in how EASY it is to take care of a kid who takes himself to the bathroom and can pour his own glass of milk. I wake up after eight hours of sleep and drag myself out of bed and wonder why on earth I’d ever want to go through Baby Sleep Hell again. I look at my son and think I couldn’t possibly get so lucky again, and that it wouldn’t be fair to make another kid compete with an impossibly smart, handsome, charming big brother. The longer I go without getting pregnant, the easier it is to be happy with one. I now even feel a bit relieved when my period arrives each month.

    I’m pulling for you, sweetie. Feel better.


  9. You are not alone. And if you feel you need help, get it. There’s nothing at all wrong with that. If it makes you feel better, that is all that matters.

    Hang in there.


  10. No! There is NOTHING wrong with feeling the way you do! You are not selfish. Your insticts must be trying to tell you something.

    I have friends with two kids, friends with only one, and friends who have none and don’t plan on having any. It’s competely PERSONAL and is your decision. Don’t force yourself into something you don’t want!


  11. It’s so easy for us to feel abnormal, and because we feel abnormal, we feel so alone. A lot of the time. It’s because we’re women, girl…not because we’re actually abnormal. It’s because we’re afraid of being rejected, afraid of being alone, afraid of nobody understanding us. I feel that way all the time, just about different stuff than the one kid thing. Having one child is completely okay. It’s your decision, not anyone else’s. As for the feeling alone thing…look at all these other people that love you. You are not alone. We’re all here…all the time…anytime you need to vent. xoxo


  12. no, honey, you are NOT alone. you are NOT a freak. you are a kind, wonderful, giving, loving mother of a beautiful daughter.

    there is nothing in the rule books that says you have to have more than one child. accordingly, there is nothing wrong with giving all you’ve got to the one that you already have.

    don’t be so hard on yourself. now i SERIOUSLY want to come over with chocolate and wine and some major hugs.

    i’m here if or whenever you want to talk.

    xox


  13. Have you got the feeling yet that you’re not alone? 🙂

    I know several women who are of the ‘one and done’ club and they are 100% fine with that decision. You are awesome because you recognize this within yourself and that makes it easier to be the mom to the one you have, that you need to be.

    I hope you can give yourself a break and keep your chin up – vent away, but know that you’re not weird for feeling like you do.


  14. There is NOTHING wrong with you. You know what you can handle. You know what is best for you and your family. That makes you an amazing mother and woman.

    I know exactly how you feel. Sure, I have two kids, but I KNOW deep in my heart that I couldn’t handle three kids and that’s why we are DONE DONE DONE. Of course, the pressure is on to have more (from my husband and his family), but I am adamant about this. I can be the best mother and woman by stopping at two kids.

    After all, just because I can have kids doesn’t mean I should. There are enough children in this world who aren’t loved and respected. I will not add THREE kids to that list when I can keep two off by getting my tubes tied now.

    You are not alone, my friend.


  15. Oh darlin’. You’re completely normal. I know several women who only want one and who had such bad PPD that they’re terrified of an accidental pregnancy. Give yourself a break. I don’t know how to get there, but I hope you find a peaceful place soon.


  16. I am so totally a member of one and done. I love my daughter, and a year into the parenting thing I have finally got my feet under me and found my groove, so to speak, but those first few months? Scary. My husband left me for some little tramp a month after she was born, basically throwing me to the sharks in a sense. She was a surprise to begin with (I had always been one of those people who said they didn’t want kids) and now that she’s here, I’m glad I had her….but the thought of having another one absolutely terrifies me. I honestly don’t know how I would do it, I don’t think I COULD do it and remain sane, and so, Wee One is going to be an only child. I am so sure of this that if I had the money for it I would go get my tubes tied. I definitely feel you on the guilt, though. Seems like freaking everyone has to have at least 2 or three kids, and that’s great for them. But for people like you and me, honey? One is wonderful. One is perfect. Honestly I feel like two would just be too much for my psyche and I would just go batshit insane.

    Don’t ever feel alone or weird or guilty or afraid because of that,though. You parent that little Fa the very best you can, and don’t ever feel abnormal for not giving her a sibling. I’m with you 100%!


  17. JJ –
    My dear friend. There is nothing I want to do more than give you a giant hug.

    There is nothing wrong at all with what you are feeling. At all.

    If you only want one child, that’s fine. Being a mommy is the hardest job in the world. And you are doing a spectacular job at it. And you know your limits. And your limits are wwhere you are at.

    I know I have no experience on this at all. I have not a whole lot to offer other than to tell you that I think you are an amazingly wonderful and NORMAL woman.

    If you need to talk – let me know. Email, IM, phone, whatever.


  18. {{{{Big hugs}}}} to you JJ. I wish I was closer and could sit down in your kitchen with you and let you spill it all. I’m hoping this post made you feel better. Sometimes you just need to let it all out.

    I know several women don’t want more kids – and several who seem to not want the ones they have. I think whatever number any individual wants is the “right” number. Be nice to yourself, JJ! You’ve got a lot of friends, even if they all aren’t living next door!


  19. I am glad to see there are alot of people here to reassure you that you are NOT alone. I felt very much the same way after my first baby…she was all I wanted. I only got pregnant the 2nd time by accident…but for me, it turned out to be a gift from God…but that is just me.

    Hang in there and trust your gut…it will lead you in the right direction.

    Let me know if there is anything I can do to help ok?


  20. Hugs JJ!

    There is nothing wrong or abnormal for only wanting one child. In fact, I think Jane Goodall would approve! You’re helping the over-population of the planet problem, right?

    Hang in there! Let go of other people’s expectations and live life the way you want.


  21. I know it may seem like you are alone, since it was your BFF who used to feel the same as you regarding more than one child…well, now having a second child. I always feel a little let down when one of my friends does something I never thought they’d do. I think that is normal. But you are definitely far from alone in only wanting one child. I’m an only child, and my mother was always very adamant that she only wanted one. I think there are a LOT more onlies now than there were back when I was growing up, so it’s not uncommon at all. *hugs*


  22. JJ,
    glad to hear from you 🙂

    you are soooo not a basketcase. you are a sweetie, a kind hearted soul truly. you are awesome and let people tell you it until you believe it for yourself.

    (((hugs))) to JJ today,
    kathleen 🙂


  23. J, the friend that I just wrote to you about has been wrestling for the last few years about even having ONE kid. We’re 39 this year and people are starting to get on her case; her husband, her gyno, blah, blah.

    She has ALWAYS been honest about not being sure whether she even wanted children. But, that wasn’t enough for anyone. they keep pushing the fucking matter.

    Society’s expectations can suck my balls.

    Be true. then embrace that. And then, be still again. I’m pretty sure that your Mom would tell anyone who had other expectations of you (whether you should have another or not) to fuck off.

    I have plenty of only children friends. And they’re just as happy with life as anyone I know that has siblings.


  24. I know that you definitely are not the only one out there. I think that there are MANY women out there who don’t even want one child.

    I think that it is great that you aren’t going for it just because you feel like you should. You are being true to yourself and that is very important!


  25. I can see your point. I’d be scared too. Maybe you can write to Brooke Shields or something and see how she got over that fear. It didn’t sound like she had PPD with her second child (or at least it wasn’t as publicized).

    I think a woman’s mental and physical state is different with every child.



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