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Just thinking

February 21, 2008

Thank you all for the encouraging responses from my last two posts. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys!!!

I’ve been thinking. And because I’m so tired of writing semi-coherent thoughts I’m giving you some dot points.

  • She’s my oldest friend so she knows more about me than anyone on this earth, besides my father and my Aunt.
  • She keeps me connected to a past that I have been forced to grieve over and let go little by little.
  • She reminds me of all the stuff I may have forgotten from my past.
  • I feel like her leaving means taking those memories away too.
  • I may be holding on tight to something that she may be letting go of.
  • I may have to accept that.
  • This is a loss of great magnitude, similar but surely not equal to the death of my mother.
  • Besides her moving so far away, she is moving on with her life and family as well.
  • I am comparing myself to her…like a sister would…and thinking, why can’t I do that?
  • Her moving is dredging up a whole shit-load of feelings from loss, to anger, to grief, to sadness then back again.
  • I could be wrong about what I thought our friendship was, I feel betrayed.
  • I could be the only one feeling all this and she’s thinking nothing of it because I’m always there for her.
  • I need to move on, accept the relationship for what it’s worth or cut ties.
  • I need to find the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I’ll get there. Eventually.

My head hurts from all this thinking. I need to go play with my daughter now.

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14 comments

  1. yes. just yes.

    hugs.


  2. I’m glad you’re feeling a little bit better.


  3. For what it’s worth, maybe it doesn’t have to be an ‘all or nothing’ thing?

    I’ve moved very far from people very close to me – but I’ve maintained close connections with my friends from home. Sure it’s not as frequent – but it’s definitely still strong.

    You just need to figure out what way to work it – and it takes a little time for the fall out of change to settle down. Nobody likes changing from something that made us comfortable – but it can be done 🙂


  4. Hey baby, know that I’m hugging you right now.

    Please refer to my other comments. 🙂

    And J, there will always be people who have more and less than us. And it truly is wasted energy to compare ourselves to others. as hard as it is NOT to, it’s worth working for…trust me.

    Fa just needs you to be your wondeful PRESENT self. as do the rest of us…


  5. I am certain you will find a resolution to this that works for you soon. I certainly understand what you’re going through.

    Just don’t allow yourself to let go of those memories – whether you keep in touch with your friend or not. You need them for yourself, and I am sure you want to share many of them with Fa when she is old enough to understand and appreciate them.


  6. With such history I imagine it would be challenging and painful to let her go.

    But you should have a friendship on terms that work for both of you. Not just her. If she isn’t providing you what you need let her know again and again. Remind her of what you mean to one another.
    I can’t imagine she’d want to let go of all the history.

    I hope you find a middle ground that works for you.

    Huge Huge hugs to you!


  7. Playing always helps 🙂


  8. I’m wondering – because I really don’t know – if sorting out the part about just wanting one kid might resolve things you are feeling with and / or about her.

    I know I’m not totally objective – as I love you long time and all – but it does seem possible that MAYBE (again, I don’t know) but maybe you are projecting a lot onto her and that relationship instead of getting to the bottom of how bothered you’re feeling about only wanting one kid. Sounds like there might be some tension with hubs about it too.

    For what it’s worth, I don’t think it is freakish to not want more than one child AT ALL. Know thyself, right? Right. But you feel like it’s not right. What’s that about?

    It might be that your friend is treading lightly because she KNOWS that you found solidarity with her on this issue – maybe more than she was comfortable with, but she was still happy to give it…

    I don’t know.

    I probably shouldn’t presume to say any of this, but I hope you will take it with the love that was intended as we have been in each other’s lives for a long time now.

    Much love…

    Jessica


  9. hi jj,

    thank you for the sweet emails today. in your emails and here, you are starting to sound a little better. you always have memories and nobody can take away those from you.

    i’ve had a sad day and could use one of your smiles today if you want to share. take care girl, kathleen


  10. The last sounds like a good plan 🙂 You will definitely get there eventually. I think you have it more together than you think. *hugs*


  11. you rock.
    you know that right?


  12. oh honey I can so relate to alot of your feelings. My sister was always my best friend. We had always “promised” to stay close. I got married and stayed in Arizona, she was only 8 hours away but still in the state. She got married, and moved to phoenix 5 hours away. Much better, meant a visit every couple months us down there them up here.

    Then they just up and moved to texas, by dallas, 19 hours away. It’s a struggle to get together once every one or two years. I want her for a 2 week visit, she only comes out for 4 or 5 days. ahhhhhh

    I feel hurt, and sad, and betrayed, but I can’t do a dam thing about it.


  13. I think playing with Fa was a great idea.

    Years ago, when I was struggling, a very wise man told me to “get through today and worry about tomorrow when it comes…” it sounds simplistic but really does help in the dark times….

    And do you notice that yesterday isn’t even mentioned in that montra??

    ((((hugs))) hon


  14. You need to recognize and accept your ability to have a close and meaningful relationship with someone. That is a good thing.

    the alternative is to never trust or love anybody –
    now that would be far more tragic.



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