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Time weighs heavy on my heart.

February 25, 2008

I bent down to pick up my beautiful daughter tonight and I had trouble for the first time ever. I bent at the knees and felt my back give out from the heaviness of her. Her body slacked in my arms and I had to use all of my weight to counter her 47 pound frame and get her into my arms.

When she was a baby, she fit right into that little nook between my hip and my neck and never felt heavy. I could dance around the house with her there, vacuum, talk on the phone…all while she just sat and hung on. All while my right arm was doing something else.

I remember dancing her to sleep in her room during nap times and bed time. As she rested in that nook, we would boogie to tunes like: Ricky Martin, Usher, Guns N’ Roses. We woke up to Z100 and went to bed with Travis and Celine Dion. I would sing and sway and rock to the beat and watch her as she drifted off into that space right before deep sleep. I never put her down right away. I savored her every inch before I put her in her crib. I have always loved the way she smelled of baby powder and sweat. And I have always adored the feel of her soft, feather-like hair tickling my neck and cheek. I never wanted to let go of that innocent joy. Even at my most insecure times as a mother, I always knew the feel of her.

I never grew tired holding her. I never felt like she was too heavy even after after a long while dancing and rocking. And there were days and long nights of dancing and rocking especially during the colicky months. But, I always loved being with her like that. Just me and her. Bonding. Mother and daughter. We still do it, but just for a few songs…Mommy’s back gives out now.

She’s growing so much I can’t keep track of her milestones anymore. She’s active and intelligent and thriving exponentially.

The diary I started for her four years ago remains in my drawer, each page filled with all of the new experiences and milestones we achieved together. I return to it on the hard days, remembering how trying those first few months were. I read her progression of the words she’s learned and I realize that she spoke so early and has mastered language at a phenomenal pace.

I sit and compare the past to the present, wondering which year was the hardest. I still can’t answer that.

All I know is that I love her with a passion I could never believe existed. And as I lifted her up tonight I wept. I wept for the baby I once had and for the girl I now struggled to hold in my arms without getting weary.

Her body is changing, her mind is expanding, her world is growing. She’s harder to hold in more was than one. But I promise her I will never let her go. No matter how old she is, she will always be my baby.

I have her saying it now too. “Mommy, even when I’m 35, I’ll still be your baby.”

And I wonder, can I have that in writing? Because I really need to believe that is true.

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22 comments

  1. awh JJ!
    this post just melted my heart. so beautiful what you said. you have one of the most tender hearts i have come across. thank you for sharing this post. you made me choke back the tears, girl. thank you for that. and yes, she will always be your baby girl, no matter how old she is and even when she is a moody impossible teen.

    you are an awesome mommy example to me, hon.
    big hug,
    kathleen


  2. Of course she will always be your baby! I hope you wrote this entry down in her diary for her to read later in life….it’s beautiful, and will give her such strength whenever she she faces trying times.


  3. I am turning 34 this year. I still call my mom “mommy” an d my dad “daddy”. I will always be their baby.

    So will she.


  4. You just put the thoughts of so many mamas into words. Thanks for that.

    And Happy Birthday!

    Unless you don’t want the blog world to know that. In that case, never mind. 😉


  5. What a beautiful post! Fa is so lucky to have you as a Mom.


  6. This is such a sweet and tender post. I love that you’re keeping a journal for her. There is just nothing like a mother/daughter love. xo.


  7. That is a really sweet story.


  8. I totally totally feel this … wow. You worded it so perfectly. How can they grow up so fast?!?!


  9. Beautiful post, and yes, they do grow up and guess what? My daughter is 20 now and I still hold her…sometimes we just lay on her bed and watch tv and she scoots over to my side, so I can hold her…I LOVE IT! As a mom, you never get over that feeling of just wanting to hold her…sigh….


  10. I remember how both of mine felt as babies. The 3 year old still has a little of that baby body feel, and he loves to curl up on me, but the 6 year old is completely a boy now, no shred of toddlerhood remains…but he still likes to cuddle with us on the couch.


  11. http://www.muchmorethanamom.com/2008/02/26/and-the-winner-is/

    😉

    Email me!


  12. I’m sure she will be. It won’t always be easy, but she will be.

    Thanks for sharing.


  13. this is sooo sweet. and yes, it IS true and you CAN have it in writing: she will always be your baby.

    i have the older, adult male children — ones with beer bellies (well, not really) and hair growing out of their faces — to prove it.

    and my daughter? will ALWAYS be my baby. and at 13, she still knows it too.


  14. My mom still calls me her baby girl…
    And I am the eldest, I have a daughter of my own… But to me, I will always be her firs baby…
    Now and forever…


  15. I’m still my mom’s baby and I’m 34, so it is true.


  16. I love this post. Lately I’ve been feeling the same way. My babies will be 5 in May and time does feel like it’s slipping away. So I try my best to savor each moment …even when they’re at their most frustrating. I try to remember how incredibly blessed I am. I want to be sure to nurture our relationship so that I can ensure they will always be my babies!


  17. What a wonderful post. Doesn’t that time go by too fast?

    Sounds like you two are very close. She’s lucky she has such a loving, wonderful mama. But sounds to me like she KNOWS how lucky she is! Wise girl!


  18. I feel the same way. Princess is growing and changing every day, she is growing too fast and sometimes, I just want to hold her a little tighter, keep her this age just a little longer.


  19. I remember those days all too well…I wish I had appreciated them more…


  20. so long ago.. and so far away. Now even my grandchildren are growing to big to be babied.
    sigh.


  21. This feels achingly familiar to me as The Mayor is 42 lbs now and almost too much for me. – sigh-


  22. My little girl weighs about 100 pounds now, and is wearing a larger shoe than me! (I still have at least on inch on her when it comes to height though. LOL)
    But she still loves to hold my hand and wants me to sing to her before bed. Yes, our girls will grow up – nothing we can do about that – but I believe we can count on them to still be our little girls.



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