Archive for the ‘balance me’ Category

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The Black Crowes

March 6, 2008

Just wanted to express my joy in the fact that iTunes now has The Southern Harmony & Musical Companion…I just downloaded it.

I had the CD when it first came out and then an ex-boyjerk took it from me and never gave it back. Dick.

I’ve been waiting patiently for iTunes to carry it..I got the alert today!

Joy of Joys…!

Tell me they are not the greatest of all time…I dare you.

Sometimes Salvation from Southern Harmony and Musical Companion

A Conspiracy from Amorica

Remedy from Southern Harmony And Musical Companion

She Talks to Angels from Shake Your Money Maker

Now, gotta go, I’m listening.

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March (it better be better)

March 3, 2008

Okay, so I stuffed myself silly this weekend.

My Aunt and I ate here on Friday night and the food was so amazing, I want to go back tonight and every night until I gain 2,150 lbs.

Then we tried to boogie a little here, but I was getting mauled by all the sweaty salsa dancers and I got fed up…I mean really, I am there to dance…but keep your paws off! Plus, I was there to dance with my Aunt, not a sweaty, smelly stranger. Unless of course Johnny Depp was the smelly, sweaty stranger…but I didn’t see him there.

After that, we went here for some after dinner drinks and relaxing Jazz and my Aunt flirted with some guy that wouldn’t leave us after she got started…Hmmm…can you see a trend?

Yeah, you pretty much can’t take us anywhere without us causing a raucous.

The rest of the weekend was spent with the Pro and we ate until we couldn’t breathe…all weekend.

I need a good workout.

And a good detox.

And then a nap. A good, long nap.

Thanks for all the great birthday wishes last week, you all made me smile.

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Just thinking

February 21, 2008

Thank you all for the encouraging responses from my last two posts. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys!!!

I’ve been thinking. And because I’m so tired of writing semi-coherent thoughts I’m giving you some dot points.

  • She’s my oldest friend so she knows more about me than anyone on this earth, besides my father and my Aunt.
  • She keeps me connected to a past that I have been forced to grieve over and let go little by little.
  • She reminds me of all the stuff I may have forgotten from my past.
  • I feel like her leaving means taking those memories away too.
  • I may be holding on tight to something that she may be letting go of.
  • I may have to accept that.
  • This is a loss of great magnitude, similar but surely not equal to the death of my mother.
  • Besides her moving so far away, she is moving on with her life and family as well.
  • I am comparing myself to her…like a sister would…and thinking, why can’t I do that?
  • Her moving is dredging up a whole shit-load of feelings from loss, to anger, to grief, to sadness then back again.
  • I could be wrong about what I thought our friendship was, I feel betrayed.
  • I could be the only one feeling all this and she’s thinking nothing of it because I’m always there for her.
  • I need to move on, accept the relationship for what it’s worth or cut ties.
  • I need to find the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I’ll get there. Eventually.

My head hurts from all this thinking. I need to go play with my daughter now.

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It’s official.

February 20, 2008

I’m a basket case.

I can’t stop crying. My husband thinks I need serious help. He’s tired of seeing me like this.

What threw me over the edge yesterday?

I finally spoke seriously to my BFF, K yesterday, twice. I know, shocker.

I told her I need her to call me back when I call her. Because most of the time I’m calling more than once because I really need to talk to her. She promised she’d do it.

Then she proceeded to spill more of her guts.

Now, a little background. As you mostly know. I have one child. I am satisfied with one child. However, I’m scared because I feel like I should be having another child. But I can’t. I feel like I should WANT another child. But I don’t. I do feel abnormal for thinking this way. I would love to be content and satisfied enough with mself to be able to give my family one more child. But I’m not. And I know I won’t ever be. I’m getting old. I’ll be 36 next week. I will not be having another infant screaming in this house. Especially when Fa is getting more independent and well, easier. I mean really, I fucking love my sleep. I’m selfish. I know.

Adding to that, I had serious PPD with Fa and I am gun shy. To the point that I won’t even talk about it anymore. I fear for my mental stability if I had another one. And it’s on thin ice as it is people. I have no patience for the one I have most of the time and I truly think that more than one is too much. For me.

My husband hates that about me. I feel guilty. I feel different. I feel alone in this thought.

K was the only other person in the world I connected with on this topic. We were both in strong agreement that one was enough and one was fulfilling and all that other crap. Even other women I have spoken with who swore left and right that they were done with one, are moving on to two even three kids.

You see where I’m going with this, no?

K is pregnant. With number two. She’s so happy I could spit.

She’s once again left me alone. It’s official. I am the ONLY woman in creation who doesn’t want more kids. Who can’t have more kids, not because my body won’t handle it, but because my head won’t handle it.

I am a freak.

What woman on this earth doesn’t want to have a child to love and hold and nourish? What woman who has gone through the joys of pregnancy and childbirth and holding that little bundle for the first time, is so petrified that she vows NEVER to do that again?

That’s right.

Me.

I mean, there are women right now suffering emotional loss because they can’t even have one, or have a second because their bodies won’t let them. And I feel so deeply for their loss.

I need to seriously fix this head of mine, but I’m fearing more than ever that by the time I get balanced, it’ll be too late. My kid will be grown up, probably pissed at me for my crappy decisions in life that affected her terribly, my husband will have gotten sick of the drama and once again, I’ll be left alone.

I can’t help feeling so fucking alone.

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I can forgive, but I won’t forget

February 16, 2008

(This post was initially written on 2/16/07…one year ago, at my first place. It’s amazing how my mind works…Brings things up like clockwork…But again, it still feels fresh…I just wanted to post it here…Because it’s on my mind again. This abandonment issue that I deal with often. It’s reared it’s ugly head once again. Why does it always feel like the ones you love most, leave? 

For some reason, I feel if I bring back some of my old writing, I’ll get inspired…anyone mind?)

The apology has been barely uttered.

Years have gone by.

But you can’t seem to get it out of your head heart.

The abandonment, the lying, the disappointment. The pressure to forgive a person for something they have done not even to you but to themselves. It still seems so fresh and so real. It’s over, but is it ever really over in your head?

She is the one who suffered. She is the one who went through it. But you feel betrayed. You feel the hurt just as deeply as if it was your own.

Life goes on. Life happens and you are supposed to forgive and forget but you have this nagging feeling of abandonment and ‘how could you do this to me?’ and you try too hard to ignore it but it surfaces when you least expect it, when you need her most. It surfaces and you back away, recoil. You become aware of the hurt and the pain you felt when she wasn’t there and you needed her most.

You try deep in your soul to let life go on as if nothing ever happened. But it’s there in your heart and you can’t let it go. You feel manipulated just a little bit and a victim of her passive-aggressive behaviors brought on by such a difficult life. Yet, you continue to pretend.

You are petrified she’ll leave again. She’ll do it again. She’ll abandon you for good and then what will you have? Nothing. Again.

You will be left alone again. Probably when you need her most.

So why bother?

Because you love her. Unconditionally. And it hurts too much to let go. You can’t say anything because, you are afraid you’ll hurt her by telling her how you really feel. Even if it means you can’t really trust. You have to pretend. Because you love her too much to let her see that you can’t trust her. You love her too much to let her know how deeply she hurt you. Even if your heart is suffering because of her.

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Haiku How Cool?

February 1, 2008

Haiku Friday

My Haiku “video edition”

midwesternmommy
video editing pro
and rocking you tube

New Mommy Canape
celebrating with her friend
good news all around!

Honored to be one
of the hands lending support
to our blogging friend

Makes me cry with joy
The way it inspires me
Inspires you too?

Friends from far and wide
virtually connecting
together to hug

Here it is…

If you can’t see it…click here for the link.

Cast of characters:
(Sign holders)
Dear Marty
SusanKristie
We – Amy
ThinkingHeather
YouJean
LotsJessica
WeKristen
You – Robin
OurAmanda
SupportFertile Mertile
PrayersLiz
andJJ
LoveJenn
UsJess
AllRebecca
ForNancy
ThatTamberlyn
TeamSarah
(If I’ve forgotten any bloggers, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!)
(Cheering Section)
 Cathy and Nancy and myself.
There were even people who really wanted to participate but couldn’t as peeps unfortunately had been given a very short window of time. Amie and Sanne from the Netherlands support and adore Whymommy too!
***

Go here for Mr.Linky…to add your own piece of art.

To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:

1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky at the above link with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your generic blog URL). We will delete your link if it doesn’t go to a haiku. If you need help with this, contact Christina.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button above.

Happy Friday everyone.

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Our newest story…

January 16, 2008

This is Fa’s latest publication called “The Happy Ladybug”. I love this story so much because it really shows how much she’s grown artistically. Okay. I know, the story structure needs work. But how friggin’ hysterical is the whole thing? She really put all of her effort into this…I swear I didn’t help her with anything but transcribing her thoughts!


Front Cover (Title and author)
(She drew all the pictures and narrated the story, I wrote down her words.)


(First there was a Happy Ladybug. Along came a cat.)


(Then, a frog ate flies on his lily pad. Then, along came a dog eating food in his blue bowl.)


(A cow drinking milk joined the party. A girlfriend doggy (look at the eyelashes) was minding her own business and running in the grass.)


(Just look at her udders. Hysterical! I can’t stand it!)


(A rainy day happened! Then, the rain went away and a sunny day came!)


(All the animals came out and played tag. A birdy joined in the game of tag. He said, “Can I come and play tag with you guys?” A snail came and slimed around in the garden.) (She used quotations!)


(A mouse was walking in the street and he was very careful by a car. All the friends went home for snack and played happily ever after.)

See, it’s moments like this that make it all worth while.

Makes staying up all night, just a smidgen easier.