Archive for the ‘family’ Category

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March (it better be better)

March 3, 2008

Okay, so I stuffed myself silly this weekend.

My Aunt and I ate here on Friday night and the food was so amazing, I want to go back tonight and every night until I gain 2,150 lbs.

Then we tried to boogie a little here, but I was getting mauled by all the sweaty salsa dancers and I got fed up…I mean really, I am there to dance…but keep your paws off! Plus, I was there to dance with my Aunt, not a sweaty, smelly stranger. Unless of course Johnny Depp was the smelly, sweaty stranger…but I didn’t see him there.

After that, we went here for some after dinner drinks and relaxing Jazz and my Aunt flirted with some guy that wouldn’t leave us after she got started…Hmmm…can you see a trend?

Yeah, you pretty much can’t take us anywhere without us causing a raucous.

The rest of the weekend was spent with the Pro and we ate until we couldn’t breathe…all weekend.

I need a good workout.

And a good detox.

And then a nap. A good, long nap.

Thanks for all the great birthday wishes last week, you all made me smile.

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I can forgive, but I won’t forget

February 16, 2008

(This post was initially written on 2/16/07…one year ago, at my first place. It’s amazing how my mind works…Brings things up like clockwork…But again, it still feels fresh…I just wanted to post it here…Because it’s on my mind again. This abandonment issue that I deal with often. It’s reared it’s ugly head once again. Why does it always feel like the ones you love most, leave? 

For some reason, I feel if I bring back some of my old writing, I’ll get inspired…anyone mind?)

The apology has been barely uttered.

Years have gone by.

But you can’t seem to get it out of your head heart.

The abandonment, the lying, the disappointment. The pressure to forgive a person for something they have done not even to you but to themselves. It still seems so fresh and so real. It’s over, but is it ever really over in your head?

She is the one who suffered. She is the one who went through it. But you feel betrayed. You feel the hurt just as deeply as if it was your own.

Life goes on. Life happens and you are supposed to forgive and forget but you have this nagging feeling of abandonment and ‘how could you do this to me?’ and you try too hard to ignore it but it surfaces when you least expect it, when you need her most. It surfaces and you back away, recoil. You become aware of the hurt and the pain you felt when she wasn’t there and you needed her most.

You try deep in your soul to let life go on as if nothing ever happened. But it’s there in your heart and you can’t let it go. You feel manipulated just a little bit and a victim of her passive-aggressive behaviors brought on by such a difficult life. Yet, you continue to pretend.

You are petrified she’ll leave again. She’ll do it again. She’ll abandon you for good and then what will you have? Nothing. Again.

You will be left alone again. Probably when you need her most.

So why bother?

Because you love her. Unconditionally. And it hurts too much to let go. You can’t say anything because, you are afraid you’ll hurt her by telling her how you really feel. Even if it means you can’t really trust. You have to pretend. Because you love her too much to let her see that you can’t trust her. You love her too much to let her know how deeply she hurt you. Even if your heart is suffering because of her.

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Happy Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2008

I got the best valentine ever this year.

Fa wrote one in school. Then, they mailed it here.

I cried.

It says:

Dear Mom, RT, and Dad,

My mom helps me wash up and she gets my burpies too. I love going to the park with my dad and swinging in the bucket swings. I love when RT calms down but he doesn’t.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Love, Fa….

Can’t get any better than that. I am truly in love.

Today, I send my love throughout the blogshpere to all my Valentine’s. Happy Healthy Hearts Day to you!!!

Hearts

I can’t go anyplace else for truth, honesty and love. I thank you.

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Let’s begin this debate.

February 11, 2008

Since we’ve all been sick. I brought Fa to the doctor last week.

Her pediatrician examined her and asked me if I was trying to get her into kindergarten a year early.

You see, the cut off date for entering kindergarten in our town is December 1st. Fa’s birthday is 19 days after that. So, she has to wait another year. Which means she will be older than most of her classmates.

It didn’t bother me much until her pediatrician suggested I rally to get her in early. She thinks she’s more than ready and will be bored in preschool for another whole year. It all sounds so nice, and I’m absolutely sure she’s ready when it comes to learning skills and development…but what if she’s not really ready emotionally?

She took all this time to come into herself and finally get comfortable in her world. And as most of you know, it was a difficult process for her and a painful one for me. What if pushing her into something bigger too soon makes her digress? Scares her?

I also thought she wasn’t ready for preschool and she totally rocked that out.

I’m torn.

As a teacher, I know the benefits of school and entering when you are ready. I know she will thrive and grow and learn exponentially. I know she’s socially comfortable at last and I know that she will be bored if she’s not pushed.

As a mother, I don’t know if MY daughter is emotionally ready. (I don’t know if I’M emotionally ready.) And I see how much she loves school right now, I don’t want to discourage her. I also know that if she’s pushed too hard, she frustrates and GIVES UP easily.

Plus, I put her in this preschool specifically so she could experience school in a positive atmosphere and enter kindergarten with children she knows, kids she has become friends with and friends she is comfortable around.

I would be taking that away if I got her into kindergarten this September.

I read Chelle’s post about how difficult it is to let go of our children and the choices we make as parents that are best for us all. And I wonder if following my gut just may be the best thing here.

My gut says, leave her be. Let her experience preschool as it was designated by school district. There’s a cut off date for a reason.

But my brain says, push her…she’ll do it. She always succeeds in every new task she tries…since birth. She’s phenomenal, she’ll thrive.

If you were in my shoes, what would you do?

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Stop Mooching!

February 5, 2008

I bet he thinks his real name is “Fucking Dog”!

Every time we sit to eat, he’s at your feet, anticipating dropped crumbs. Ready in an instant to lick ’em up.

I hate the way he sounds when he’s scrounging on the floor for crumbs.

Like he’s going to town. Slurp, slurp, suck, slurp, sip, grunt, harumph, burp.

He’s always there when a drop falls. Milk, oil, water, acid. Like he never gets fed. Or given fresh water every few farking minutes.

He farts. Smelly, dog food farts.

He humps everything in site. We call it ‘schweening’. It creeps me out. He’s fixed by the way.

He’s started stealing Fa’s toys and running away with them so we chase him around the house screaming bloody murder.

I hate it.

Fa loves it. I think he does too.

I call him “The Mooch”. And I yell “Stop Mooching!” at him and she keels over laughing.

Cracks up. Hysterical.

She loves this dog.

He makes her so happy. Even when he’s annoying the crap out of her.

He potty trained her. Remember that?

He’s teaching her how to write too.

No RT allowed

He loves this kid.

He protects her and growls when anyone comes near her. Especially me.

Whenever we are playing with Fa, wrestling, attacking her with smooches and she starts to yell…He goes nuts!

He is a pretty good watch dog when he wants to be. Anytime someone comes to the door or even walks past the house, he barks and growls, letting me know.

He hates the firehouse and when it goes off, he howls. His pendulous lips actually forming a little ‘O’.

I hate when he mooches the most. It aggravates me. I think he may be the reason I am so stressed. I’m constantly yelling at him.

But they love each other. A girl and her dog.

How could I ever take that away from her?

droopy tongue

Loogit the way he sleeps with his tongue hanging out. He needs dental work.

Now if only he would calm down like this when we try to pet him.

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Not so Care Bear

January 30, 2008

My kid is into Care Bears…I love that she is so into something like this. It makes my heart sing. She plays with them all the time. They are her friends. She loves them with all of her heart.

She watches the Care Bears Big Wish Movie every day. She wants all the Care Bears ever created, lemme tell ya, that’s a lot. She has a few other videos too…from the 80’s. Brings back memories. Me and my BFF ‘K’ used to play with them after school.

So I started looking online to try to find some more of her favorites.

After all, she already has:

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Memory Box

January 3, 2008

I took my tree down last night. It took me two hours.

Not because I have that much stuff up. But because every year, putting my ornaments on the tree and taking them down has become a ritual. A ritual of remembrance.

Before Fa was born, I didn’t put up a tree for years. The boxes of ornaments were stored in my Dad’s place, gathering dust and I ignored it like the plague. I didn’t want to open it.

For opening that box would bring back too much pain. Too much Mom.

It was filled with ornaments from Christmases past. Ornaments that my Mother adored and cherished and ornaments that filled her with joy.

I was afraid to go there.

I was afraid that seeing those ornaments again, up close, would sadden me. So, I left it alone. For years.

The Christmas before I got pregnant, Mom must have given me a sign that it was time to open the box. Thus, opening my heart to what was long gone. It took me months to do it. The preparation of “THE BOX” was weighing me down. But, for some reason, I was compelled to go through it.

My therapist talked me through step by step, from the initial ripping the tape off the top to taking out and unwrapping the last ornament. Finally it was time. The flood of emotions that ran through me were staggering.

Joy for seeing the favorites from years past. Sadness from remembering how we’d put up our tree together and now I was alone. Bittersweet for seeing Mom’s most favorite ornaments still in tact and wrapped in newspaper from 1989, and waiting for me to share them again. Anger once again, for the fact that she was taken from me.

But I did it. I faced my fears head on and sorted through “The Box”. I can’t believe how perfect the ornaments stayed through all of these years. I can’t believe that the yellowing of the newspaper hasn’t taken away from the headlines of the times.

I’m so happy that I was strong enough to do that. I didn’t know it back then but it prepared me for this particular year.

The first few Christmases with Fa were all my own with the tree. It was me and the tree taking the time to remember each ornament’s significance. It became a walk down memory lane. A walk I took alone while I preserved the sensation.

This year was the first year that Fa truly understood the meaning of the tree and it’s decor. She helped me put it up and decorate it from top to bottom. She was careful with the ‘breakables’ and was thoroughly excited to see the tree take shape.

I told her about my Mother’s (her grandmother’s) most favorite ornaments and how they were sentimental to her.

Mom’s Favorites
(These two birds were her most favorite!)

I told her about how we did it when I was a little girl.

I am so grateful that I will have this opportunity with my own daughter. An opportunity I might have missed if I wasn’t strong enough to open that box.

It was wonderful.

So this year, when I took all the ornaments off the tree, I took a little extra time to examine them and remember their past. I took longer to wrap them in the same newspaper from years past and I meditated over their worth and emotional value.

It made me smile. To know that I have these items in my life. Little pieces of the past to take out every year to reminisce about my Mom.

I have since purchased more ornaments to add to the collection and Fa even makes her own now…These are fantastic additions that I know my Mom would be proud of.

I hope that I can continue this tradition of opening the box with Fa for years to come. My dream is that one day, she will share the same box with her children and speak of her grandmother the way I have taught her.

This year was a good reminder of how precious life and family is. The ornaments are truly the only tangible thing I have left of my mother and I am honored to hold them close.

Next year, I think I’ll take three hours to take the ornaments down. The longer I have with the memories, the better.