Archive for the ‘fight’ Category

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Just thinking

February 21, 2008

Thank you all for the encouraging responses from my last two posts. I don’t know what I’d do without you guys!!!

I’ve been thinking. And because I’m so tired of writing semi-coherent thoughts I’m giving you some dot points.

  • She’s my oldest friend so she knows more about me than anyone on this earth, besides my father and my Aunt.
  • She keeps me connected to a past that I have been forced to grieve over and let go little by little.
  • She reminds me of all the stuff I may have forgotten from my past.
  • I feel like her leaving means taking those memories away too.
  • I may be holding on tight to something that she may be letting go of.
  • I may have to accept that.
  • This is a loss of great magnitude, similar but surely not equal to the death of my mother.
  • Besides her moving so far away, she is moving on with her life and family as well.
  • I am comparing myself to her…like a sister would…and thinking, why can’t I do that?
  • Her moving is dredging up a whole shit-load of feelings from loss, to anger, to grief, to sadness then back again.
  • I could be wrong about what I thought our friendship was, I feel betrayed.
  • I could be the only one feeling all this and she’s thinking nothing of it because I’m always there for her.
  • I need to move on, accept the relationship for what it’s worth or cut ties.
  • I need to find the serenity to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.

I’ll get there. Eventually.

My head hurts from all this thinking. I need to go play with my daughter now.

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I can forgive, but I won’t forget

February 16, 2008

(This post was initially written on 2/16/07…one year ago, at my first place. It’s amazing how my mind works…Brings things up like clockwork…But again, it still feels fresh…I just wanted to post it here…Because it’s on my mind again. This abandonment issue that I deal with often. It’s reared it’s ugly head once again. Why does it always feel like the ones you love most, leave? 

For some reason, I feel if I bring back some of my old writing, I’ll get inspired…anyone mind?)

The apology has been barely uttered.

Years have gone by.

But you can’t seem to get it out of your head heart.

The abandonment, the lying, the disappointment. The pressure to forgive a person for something they have done not even to you but to themselves. It still seems so fresh and so real. It’s over, but is it ever really over in your head?

She is the one who suffered. She is the one who went through it. But you feel betrayed. You feel the hurt just as deeply as if it was your own.

Life goes on. Life happens and you are supposed to forgive and forget but you have this nagging feeling of abandonment and ‘how could you do this to me?’ and you try too hard to ignore it but it surfaces when you least expect it, when you need her most. It surfaces and you back away, recoil. You become aware of the hurt and the pain you felt when she wasn’t there and you needed her most.

You try deep in your soul to let life go on as if nothing ever happened. But it’s there in your heart and you can’t let it go. You feel manipulated just a little bit and a victim of her passive-aggressive behaviors brought on by such a difficult life. Yet, you continue to pretend.

You are petrified she’ll leave again. She’ll do it again. She’ll abandon you for good and then what will you have? Nothing. Again.

You will be left alone again. Probably when you need her most.

So why bother?

Because you love her. Unconditionally. And it hurts too much to let go. You can’t say anything because, you are afraid you’ll hurt her by telling her how you really feel. Even if it means you can’t really trust. You have to pretend. Because you love her too much to let her see that you can’t trust her. You love her too much to let her know how deeply she hurt you. Even if your heart is suffering because of her.

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Haiku How Cool?

February 1, 2008

Haiku Friday

My Haiku “video edition”

midwesternmommy
video editing pro
and rocking you tube

New Mommy Canape
celebrating with her friend
good news all around!

Honored to be one
of the hands lending support
to our blogging friend

Makes me cry with joy
The way it inspires me
Inspires you too?

Friends from far and wide
virtually connecting
together to hug

Here it is…

If you can’t see it…click here for the link.

Cast of characters:
(Sign holders)
Dear Marty
SusanKristie
We – Amy
ThinkingHeather
YouJean
LotsJessica
WeKristen
You – Robin
OurAmanda
SupportFertile Mertile
PrayersLiz
andJJ
LoveJenn
UsJess
AllRebecca
ForNancy
ThatTamberlyn
TeamSarah
(If I’ve forgotten any bloggers, PLEASE LET ME KNOW!)
(Cheering Section)
 Cathy and Nancy and myself.
There were even people who really wanted to participate but couldn’t as peeps unfortunately had been given a very short window of time. Amie and Sanne from the Netherlands support and adore Whymommy too!
***

Go here for Mr.Linky…to add your own piece of art.

To play along for Haiku Friday, follow these steps:

1. Write your own haiku on your blog. You can do one or many, all following a theme or just random. What’s a haiku, you ask? Click here.

2. Sign the Mister Linky at the above link with your name and the link to your haiku post (the specific post URL, not your generic blog URL). We will delete your link if it doesn’t go to a haiku. If you need help with this, contact Christina.

3. Pick up a Haiku Friday button to display on the post or in your sidebar by clicking the button above.

Happy Friday everyone.

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Memory Box

January 3, 2008

I took my tree down last night. It took me two hours.

Not because I have that much stuff up. But because every year, putting my ornaments on the tree and taking them down has become a ritual. A ritual of remembrance.

Before Fa was born, I didn’t put up a tree for years. The boxes of ornaments were stored in my Dad’s place, gathering dust and I ignored it like the plague. I didn’t want to open it.

For opening that box would bring back too much pain. Too much Mom.

It was filled with ornaments from Christmases past. Ornaments that my Mother adored and cherished and ornaments that filled her with joy.

I was afraid to go there.

I was afraid that seeing those ornaments again, up close, would sadden me. So, I left it alone. For years.

The Christmas before I got pregnant, Mom must have given me a sign that it was time to open the box. Thus, opening my heart to what was long gone. It took me months to do it. The preparation of “THE BOX” was weighing me down. But, for some reason, I was compelled to go through it.

My therapist talked me through step by step, from the initial ripping the tape off the top to taking out and unwrapping the last ornament. Finally it was time. The flood of emotions that ran through me were staggering.

Joy for seeing the favorites from years past. Sadness from remembering how we’d put up our tree together and now I was alone. Bittersweet for seeing Mom’s most favorite ornaments still in tact and wrapped in newspaper from 1989, and waiting for me to share them again. Anger once again, for the fact that she was taken from me.

But I did it. I faced my fears head on and sorted through “The Box”. I can’t believe how perfect the ornaments stayed through all of these years. I can’t believe that the yellowing of the newspaper hasn’t taken away from the headlines of the times.

I’m so happy that I was strong enough to do that. I didn’t know it back then but it prepared me for this particular year.

The first few Christmases with Fa were all my own with the tree. It was me and the tree taking the time to remember each ornament’s significance. It became a walk down memory lane. A walk I took alone while I preserved the sensation.

This year was the first year that Fa truly understood the meaning of the tree and it’s decor. She helped me put it up and decorate it from top to bottom. She was careful with the ‘breakables’ and was thoroughly excited to see the tree take shape.

I told her about my Mother’s (her grandmother’s) most favorite ornaments and how they were sentimental to her.

Mom’s Favorites
(These two birds were her most favorite!)

I told her about how we did it when I was a little girl.

I am so grateful that I will have this opportunity with my own daughter. An opportunity I might have missed if I wasn’t strong enough to open that box.

It was wonderful.

So this year, when I took all the ornaments off the tree, I took a little extra time to examine them and remember their past. I took longer to wrap them in the same newspaper from years past and I meditated over their worth and emotional value.

It made me smile. To know that I have these items in my life. Little pieces of the past to take out every year to reminisce about my Mom.

I have since purchased more ornaments to add to the collection and Fa even makes her own now…These are fantastic additions that I know my Mom would be proud of.

I hope that I can continue this tradition of opening the box with Fa for years to come. My dream is that one day, she will share the same box with her children and speak of her grandmother the way I have taught her.

This year was a good reminder of how precious life and family is. The ornaments are truly the only tangible thing I have left of my mother and I am honored to hold them close.

Next year, I think I’ll take three hours to take the ornaments down. The longer I have with the memories, the better.

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You know what I keep thinking?

December 13, 2007
“What happens when the future has come and gone?”
Robert Half

I don’t wanna get to the end of my life and be disappointed.

I wanna look back and be satisfied with the path I’ve walked.

I look back and take inventory of where I have been so far and I feel so badly for the teenager I was. It was a dark, dark time in my life that followed me into my late 20’s. It was a good decade of depression until I got help (the first time)…I am proud of myself for taking the steps I took to seek help.

I’ve had some great years in between.

Now, I want the next decade to be a positive one. I have recently caught myself trying to navigate through the dark fog and it wasn’t working. I needed to step out and brush myself off and start again.

I’m in the process.

I’ve used my daughter as my beacon of light and hope again. It is a hard role to play…but it will show her how much she’s meant to me. It will show her how my love for her makes me want to be a better person.

When I die, I want to look back and say, “That was pretty great!”

I want my daughter to respect me and think that I truly did the best I could for her. I want her to be strong and independent and speak her mind. I want her to be the woman I am having a hard time being.

That’s what I keep thinking.

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Stigma, or not?

December 4, 2007

Wow. Just Wow.

Thank you for your support my friends. This is a very difficult decision I have made regarding my health. And since the surgery (which was nothing, really) I have had a change of heart. I need to help myself in order to be here for my daughter.

And the responses I have received have been nothing but positive and heartwarming. I am in awe. Once again. By my blogging friends!

Thank you from the bottom of my heart…

…I do have some sorting out to do though.

These meds that I have begun taking.

Make me feel like less of a person now. They make me feel inferior.

But I know that once they begin working in the recesses of my brain, I will feel better.

Once they begin the process of connecting my synapses and sending the correct messages through my brain cells, I will feel like myself again.

The self that enjoys her family, enjoys her life and enjoys the little things. The self that doesn’t get frustrated over a lost pen, or a missing sock or an extra load of laundry to do.

I want to be the person I once was. The person who laughed at silly jokes, the person who made silly faces and didn’t care what other people thought.

I’m not her now. I’m too anxious to be her.
It all came to a head when I was crying in the bathroom one day a few weeks ago, all alone. And I asked myself, “Would she (Fa) be better of with me here and miserable or with me not here at all…” Then, I cried harder thinking about her being abandoned by a woman who couldn’t face the difficulties of life. And in the darkness of the bathroom I decided that NEITHER of those choices were acceptable. I needed to make a change.

But I will be myself again. I am hopeful. I haven’t been hopeful for a while.

I made a promise to myself that I will never get as dark as I was before. I am keeping my promise now. Finally.

My promise to myself is my promise to my daughter.

If I don’t help myself, she just may be a motherless daughter with me sitting right next to her. If I don’t enjoy this life, she won’t have a functioning mother along side of her.

That won’t happen. She is too special for that.

Wanna know what does make me smile?

I woke up to an e-mail from phototrade telling me that this picture was “photo of the day“.

Thanks Phototrade, thanks Erin.


Fa loves this tree outside of our side door.

Then. Then, the e-mails and comments that I woke up to were just mind blowing. You guys rock!

And Canadian Flake awarded me…bestbloggingbuddiesaward.jpg You see, it’s the little things that are worth it all…I’m slowly starting to see that again.

I’d like to award this to back to: Cate, Moosh and Margaret. And all the other fantastic commenters on that last post…You know who you are…

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My Admission

December 2, 2007

How’s this for starting out with a bang? Thanks for following me. If this is your first taste of me on WP…maybe you should just remember who I am…I’m ~JJ! Your friend. That’s why I’m posting what I’m about to post.

I’m going to reveal something to you today. Because you are my friends and because of you, I know I’m not the only one who is going through this. And, there may be someone out there who needs to hear this…I hope they find me.

As you already know from months and months of posts. I have mood swings. Putting it lightly.

I have times in my life when I am so down and dark that it feels like there’s no hope.

I have moments when I wonder, “Why?”.

“Why?” to all of it. Life, love, parenthood. Just “Why?”

I have been clinically depressed for years. I have been on and off medication, I have suffered from post partum depression and I have recovered through many difficult times in my life. Sometimes, I think about all the crazy crap I did because I didn’t want to be ‘here’ and I can’t believe that I am in fact still ‘here’.
I know my issues. I know they all started with the loss of my Mother and I know how to rise above the darkness. I am a pro at it now.

I had a therapist once who said the sign of mental HEALTH is realizing when you need help and actually seeking it.

Well, I have been on the hunt to seek the return of my mental health again…I have tried other options to finding inner joy and peace. I have gone to herbal therapists, nutritionists, chiropractors and anger therapists. I have tried meditation (which is a joy), I have tried working out. I’ve pretty much exhausted all of my options. But one.

One option that I have been avoiding. Due to the stigma more than anything else. It’s not like I’ve never tried it before. I was just hoping I’d never need it again.

I haven’t tried medication again.

Until now.

I have started a regiment to regain control of my thoughts, anxieties and fears. I have begun my quest to control my depression and lift myself out of this funk that I have not been able to get out of.

I am scared. I am worried. I am fearful that I will be judged an unfit mother due to this decision that I have so painstakingly made.

But I am more afraid that if I don’t try this, I will be an unfit woman. And I refuse to be that way for my daughter. I need to set an example for her that I will do anything to be the best mother/woman I can be. Because she is that special. She deserves the best I can give her and lately, I have been failing her.

It must stop here.

And it must work. I need to strengthen my head, which in turn will force my heart to heal once more.

After all…I am still not healed after all of these years.

It’s time.