Wow. Just Wow.
Thank you for your support my friends. This is a very difficult decision I have made regarding my health. And since the surgery (which was nothing, really) I have had a change of heart. I need to help myself in order to be here for my daughter.
And the responses I have received have been nothing but positive and heartwarming. I am in awe. Once again. By my blogging friends!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart…
…I do have some sorting out to do though.
These meds that I have begun taking.
Make me feel like less of a person now. They make me feel inferior.
But I know that once they begin working in the recesses of my brain, I will feel better.
Once they begin the process of connecting my synapses and sending the correct messages through my brain cells, I will feel like myself again.
The self that enjoys her family, enjoys her life and enjoys the little things. The self that doesn’t get frustrated over a lost pen, or a missing sock or an extra load of laundry to do.
I want to be the person I once was. The person who laughed at silly jokes, the person who made silly faces and didn’t care what other people thought.
I’m not her now. I’m too anxious to be her.
It all came to a head when I was crying in the bathroom one day a few weeks ago, all alone. And I asked myself, “Would she (Fa) be better of with me here and miserable or with me not here at all…” Then, I cried harder thinking about her being abandoned by a woman who couldn’t face the difficulties of life. And in the darkness of the bathroom I decided that NEITHER of those choices were acceptable. I needed to make a change.
But I will be myself again. I am hopeful. I haven’t been hopeful for a while.
I made a promise to myself that I will never get as dark as I was before. I am keeping my promise now. Finally.
My promise to myself is my promise to my daughter.
If I don’t help myself, she just may be a motherless daughter with me sitting right next to her. If I don’t enjoy this life, she won’t have a functioning mother along side of her.
That won’t happen. She is too special for that.
Wanna know what does make me smile?
I woke up to an e-mail from phototrade telling me that this picture was “photo of the day“.
Thanks Phototrade, thanks Erin.
Fa loves this tree outside of our side door.
Then. Then, the e-mails and comments that I woke up to were just mind blowing. You guys rock!
And Canadian Flake awarded me… You see, it’s the little things that are worth it all…I’m slowly starting to see that again.
I’d like to award this to back to: Cate, Moosh and Margaret. And all the other fantastic commenters on that last post…You know who you are…