It’s only been about one full month since she moved.
I just heard from her Thursday, for the first time. In a month.
I know she’s busy and all. I mean starting her life somewhere else and making good for her and her family will make a girl busy.
But I really don’t feel right.
I feel left. Again.
I am so sad since she moved. Depressed and sad. Not because we don’t talk every day, we never did even when she was here. Not even because we won’t see each other as often, we really only saw each other once or twice a month anyhow.
It’s the distance.
The fact that even if I wanted to, I can’t just drive over to her place for coffee. Or to get our daughters to play together…and be real BFFs. Like we are. Or like we were. I’m unsure.
I’ve been thinking long and hard about this. And I really don’t feel right. I really do feel left.
I feel like I
was am always there and available for her whenever she needs to cry, vent, share a whacked out story, just talk. I always answer the phone when it’s her no matter what I’m doing. I always ran right over when she needed me.
But I feel she’s impossible to find when I need a shoulder. She never answers her phone when I need to talk to her. She never calls back right away. (I’m guilty of that mostly too..but not with her, I always call her back right away.)
She’s always been a little distant.
It sort of feels like a one sided love affair. I am giving all of my heart to this relationship (good and bad) and she’s giving her heart up when its available. Which is never right when I need it.
And I need her now. Not only is she unavailable, she’s thousands of miles away. Unattainable.
We met when we were 9 years old. We became best friends instantly. She’s moved away before. And we have gone months, even years without seeing each other or talking to each other. But when we finally did reconnect it was always like we never missed a second of each other’s lives. We clicked right back into best friend mode.
And I loved that about us.
No matter how long it’s been, it really has never been too long.
But this time, it feels wrong.
It feels like she has her own life to contend with and when there’s time, she’ll fit me in. Or when bad news comes her way, I’m there to listen. She’ll take the time to vent all of her joys, her fears, frustrations and issues within one phone call. But within that time, I’m left with no chance to spill my heart out. Leaving me feeling alone. Again. And when I NEED to spill it, she’s impossible to get a hold of.
I love her so much, that I pretty much have let this behavior slide because she always seems to have a whole crapload on her plate. But I do too.
And I want to cry on her shoulder. But I can’t.
And I’m starting to think this is how it has always been. When she needs me, I’m there. When I need her, I have to wait until she finds the time to get back to me.
Is that how the relationship always was? So one sided? So distant? I think so.
That is why I’m saddest. It’s not the physical distance between us. It’s the emotional distance. It’s that I’m finally seeing (or feeling) I really am not all that important to her, as she is to me. Unless she needs advice. Then I am the best.
My feelings are hurt. My heart hurts. My head hurts from the memories of our aging friendship changing shape. Was she really my best friend all this time or was I just someone convenient to vent to? Someone unbiased toward her life, not family, but the closest thing to it without hurting my feelings when she’s ripping on them. Someone who is always there? To take advantage of? To use?
I hope not. But that’s how it feels these days.
All of a sudden, I feel very alone. Again.